


Soldiers Coming Home

by winterandhonor



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amputation, Canon-Typical Violence, Christmas, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Holidays, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Military Homophobia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-16
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-01-24 23:35:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 24,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1621067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterandhonor/pseuds/winterandhonor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in suburban Maryland just outside D.C. Steve and Bucky are Iraqi War Veterans trying to repair their lives after the horrific consequences of ten years of service to their country. As a married couple post DADT Bucky and Steve attempt to integrate back into civilian life with many bumps along the road. Follow them as they go through their first year. Told partially through flashbacks and memories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meet The Neighbors

James Buchanan Barnes stood out in front of his new home in the suburban Maryland neighborhood of Silver Spring as movers shuffled furniture and boxes in through the front door. It was just 20 minutes north of DC, but it was much quitter and cozy. It was an all brick home with honest to god shutters and a chimney. It was mid-October and a cool breeze swept a storm of leaves around his feet. He never imagined he would have a house of his own, especially not one like this. Not under these circumstances. He wore a black hoodie that was two sizes too large, skin tight blue jeans, and combat boots. As he continued to watch in silence his mind focused in on the sensation of cool metal against his chest. The name Steven Rogers rested over his heart in the form of standard issue military dog tags. He had not worn his own for just over 3 years. 

It would take some serious getting used to before he felt comfortable in this setting. He had spent so long in the desert at this point grass seemed strange sometimes. He just wished Steve was there with him. Steve was everything. But he would be another month before he could come home officially. Thirty days of restless waiting.  
He was startled when someone tapped him on the shoulder. He was greeted by a smiling woman in her mid- forties. She was at least fifteen years older than James’s thirty. At first he just stared at her until she cleared her throat

“Hi, sorry just saw you moving in and thought I would come say hi.”

“Oh! Yeah sorry just spacing out, it has been a long day.” The woman grinned at him before extending her hand.

“My name’s Melinda, by the way. Nice to meet you.” 

James stood there for a moment before cautiously shaking her hand politely. He tried to give her a reassuring smile back but it came across slightly strained. “Names James Barnes, but everyone I know calls me Bucky.” 

Melinda chuckled at him. “How long you been going by that name?” 

“Um,” Bucky scratched the back of his neck, “since I was about 8.” 

“Well I am glad to see someone moving into the Carter house. It’s been empty for almost two years now. The couple moved into a smaller house when their youngest finally had their first grandchild.” 

Bucky looked back at the house and its five front facing windows and imagined a family once living there happy.

“So I hate to be nosy, but I was just wondering if it is just you? Moving in here I mean. Seems like kind of a big house for just one young man.”  
Melinda continued to smile kindly at him. She seemed like she genuinely was just curious about her new neighbor. Bucky was never sure how to respond to this situation. He figured now was better than later.

“Yeah no, it’s not just me. My husband just can’t be here right now,” Buck smiled sheepishly. 

“Oh!” Melinda’s eyes got really big for a minute and then she chuckled behind her hand for a minute. “I guess now day’s people really shouldn’t assume things about people guess most people just don’t think about it.” 

Bucky chortled under his breath, “Trust me people never just assume you’re gay unless you’re a shimmering stereotype.” 

“Well I will let you get back to your new house. If you need anything I am the house just right across the way to the left,” Melinda said with a wave as she walked back across the street to her own home. 

“Thanks!” Bucky called after her. 

Bucky went inside and finished helping guide the movers on where to deposit certain things, and made sure a few things were undamaged before he waved them off and thanked them. He closed the door behind them and slide to the floor and rested his head on his folded arms. Doing this alone made it so much more exhausting. After sitting on the cold hard wood for a few minutes he shuffled into the kitchen and busted open some of the kitchen boxes and made some coffee. He didn’t normally drink his coffee black like Steve did but he didn’t feel like braving the nearest grocery store for creamer or milk. He took his over sugared coffee up to the unmade bed and kicked off his boots before leaning back against the head board, and staring out the window into their brand new back yard. There stood a large oak tree bare in the fall chill.

This was going to be a long month. 

Three days later Bucky had made barely any progress unpacking. He had managed to unpack just enough kitchen utensils to make coffee and eat cereal. He had already ordered Chinese and Jersey Mikes and didn’t really have the motivation to do the kind of unpacking that would be required to make real food. He had also been to the grocery store, but he had only bought milk, cereal, bananas, and a few other assorted essentials. He knew he couldn’t go the whole month like this, but definitely the rest of the week. He had also unpacked most everything for the bedroom including Steve’s clothes. After trying to unpack all their movies and games he gave up and decided it was time to explore the neighborhood a little. 

Bucky needed to get into a morning routine and he knew Steve would want to go running in the mornings so he started planning a good route around the neighborhood. All the houses where so quaint and many were currently draped in festive Halloween décor. As he made his way around a corner he was not looking as he stared at a house across the street that was decorated with heavy fake cobwebbing. While he was distracted a little kid ran right into him.The small little girl squealed as she plopped down on her bottom onto the pavement.

“Woah, little lady where you going in such a rush?” Bucky asked as he laughed at her as she fused with her jack’o lantern printed dress.

“Nowhere! You are the one standing on my side walk.” She huffed. 

“Your sidewalk!” He gasped teasingly.

“Yes, it is mine. It is in front of my house.” She proclaimed puffing out her tiny cheeks with her hands on her hips now that she had righted herself. He chuckled at her before a woman rounded the house and came toward them.

“Lily who are you talking to? What have I told you about talking to strangers?” The woman chastised her daughter. 

“Sorry ma’am,” Bucky said extending his hand to the dark haired woman. She was rather pretty with soft brown eyes and shoulder length black hair.

“What is your name?” Lily quickly interjected before her mom could so much as get her own hand extended or grab onto Lily’s.

“Um James… but no one calls me that. You can call me Bucky.” 

The little girl laughed. “I’m Lily! Now we are not strangers anymore.” 

Her mother let out a long suffering sigh. “Nice to meet you Bucky,” said the woman shaking his hand, “My name’s Mikayla. Sorry about Lily here she is my little chatter box.” 

“Nahh, It’s ok,” Bucky replied, “I was just exploring the neighborhood and not really paying attention, and like she said I was walking on her side walk.” He let a big grin break across his face before he pushed the hair that had fallen in front of his face back behind his ear. 

“So are you new to the neighborhood because I’ve never seen you around before?” Mikayla asked. 

“Yep,” Bucky said before making sure both his hands were tucked into his hoodie pockets. “I just moved in on the other street behind you guys. I was told the first day I got here by my neighbor Melinda it used to be the Carter’s,” Bucky said with uncertainty rocking back on his heels. 

“OH! Yes I heard someone had moved in there! Nice to meet you. I should warn you. This is a fierce trick or treating neighborhood so you better be prepared come 5 o’clock on the 31st.”

Bucky laughed loudly for a moment before catching his breath. “OK, well I promise on Lily and her jack’o lantern dress that if you come to 758 Walnut Dr. I will have some candy on Halloween.” 

“Hurray!” Lilly cheered.

“Well I’ll be seeing you around,” Bucky said as he started to walk away.

“Bye Bucky!,” Lily cried after him. He smiled brightly and waved vigorously back at her. Bucky liked little kids, but Steve loved children. He had always wanted children. Steve was going to love it here. That was something he felt guilty about sometimes. He could never give Steve children. They would never have kids that were theirs. Just one more reason that Steve shouldn’t love him as far as his mind was concerned. On the nights it kept him awake when Steve was gone. Steve was bisexual and he could have a perfect life with everything he wanted. Bucky brushed the tear off his cheek. No, the voice in the back of his mind said, Steve loves your flaws don’t be stupid. Bucky tipped his head back to the sky. He was going to have to keep the anxiety at bay if he was going to make it another twenty seven days. 

The next week came and went and Bucky made progress on the house and stocked up on chocolates and starburst for trick or treaters. He loved starbursts so if they didn’t all get handed out he would eat them, or at least that was his reasoning for buying 3 large bags of double wrapped starbursts. Today was the day he planned to tackle photos for the walls. Between them they had a couple of movie posters and Steve’s dad’s flag and about a dozen pictures of them and their families each. Well Steve had pictures of him with his parents and Bucky had pictures of him and Steve. Bucky had been an orphan since he was five and only had the vaguest blurry memories of his parents. He had been lucky enough, as far as he was concerned, to get passed around after the age of ten in the same general area of New York City. He and Steve had just happened to both end up at PS 148. God Bless assholes and the shitty State of New York social services. Without those things he never would have met Steve. Steve who when they met weighed 90 pounds soaking wet and was still as proud, noble, and fierce in his waifish frame as he was now at just over six feet tall and 240 pounds of solid muscle.

Even though Bucky was younger than Steve when they were boys Bucky had a stockier frame and came into his body much earlier than Steve. They had first met when Bucky had found Steve trying to fend off three other boys as they attempted to corner him. Still to this day he was not sure why he did it but he had run up behind them and kicked two of the other boys’ legs out from under them before kicking them in the ribs and grabbing Steve’s arm telling him to run. Steve had protested afterward that he totally could have taken them, but from that day on they were close as any two people could be and Bucky had continued to defend Steve until the summer Steve turned eighteen. Steve had gone away with his Mom to his aunt’s and come back four inches taller and more filled out than Bucky had imagined possible for the kid he had saved in an alleyway. Less than a two years later Steve’s Mom died and two years after that had found him and Steve shipping out for basic training. It was amazing how long ago that seemed now as he stared at a picture of him and Steve in their first set of fatigues. 

He hung the pictures up around the house. Steve with both his parents when he was only four years old. That went on the mantle. The one of their whole platoon celebrating their first successful mission, in the hall way right as you came in the door. The one ridiculous photo that had been taken of them on their wedding day with Steve kissing him as Bucky grips onto his dog tags as he was dipped with every single person they knew laughing. Well that had to go behind the couch because who was he kidding he and Steve were the most obnoxiously in love people he knew. If Bucky had been a big facebook user he would have been one of those military spouses that posted every single day about how much he missed his solider. The enlarged sketch replicas that Steve had done himself of the photo booth strip Bucky kept in his wallet. That, he hung in the bedroom.


	2. Cook Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Pepper host a party at their house that Bucky is reluctant to join, but determined to become a member of his community he goes. He want to feel sane again.

That Sunday his neighbor two houses down on his side of the street had a big cook out. He had two young boys ages seven and nine and they went to school with the other half a dozen children that lived down their street. It was supposed to be a big Halloween shindig for the kids, but Melinda had come over and invited Bucky and insisted that most of the neighborhood would be turning up because, “Tony just throw the best parties!” She had also insisted he needed to meet everyone. Bucky had heard about these kinds of neighborhoods, but believed that these sorts of things only existed in old films. Melinda had laughed when he told her so and she had explained that a lot of the neighborhood was ex-military families and they knew how hard it can be moving around a lot when you are young so some of them had decided about 4 years ago to try and give their kids the best sense of community possible. Life sucked, that didn’t mean everything about it had to. 

Before going to the party he had brushed his teeth at least 3 times and changed shirt a dozen times. At first he had put on a tacky orange and black stripped shirt and decided to save it for Halloween night. Then a button down but it just felt too formal. Then a plain white shirt and that seemed so boring. Then he had put on the even tackier shirt that Gabe had bought him after he and Steve had gotten married. It was black with blocky yellow army stylized text that read My <3 Belongs To A Solider. He ripped if off as soon as he saw it on but after putting both the white shirt back on and another moss green long sleeved shirt on he bit the bullet and put the ridiculous shirt on. He might as well let the shirt do some of the talking for him tonight. 

Before he left he sat in the bathroom floor staring down the medicine cabinet. Inside were your every day assortment of aspirin, ibuprofen, Pepto-Bismol, band aids, and a prescription labeled James Barnes for Symbyax, and he hated it with a passion. It made him feel weak. Not the medication itself but his need for it. He wanted to flush them all down the toilet regularly.  
As he finally took one out of the bottle and placed it in his palm he thought about the fact he had not been to group since he moved into the house. He fucking hated group. He didn’t want to talk about what had happened or how it made him feel. He didn’t want to talk about no longer being able to be a solider and he REALLY did not want to talk about Steve. Not with a dozen straight men and two women because no matter their best intentions they always wanted to lump him with the women. He didn’t resent the girls for that it just made him boil that loving Steve in most other soldier’s mind’s that didn’t already know them meant he couldn’t be “one of the guys”. It didn’t matter that Bucky had been through worse things than some of them. They still couldn’t put the thought of Bucky as a sniper and wounded warrior before the thought of Steve’s hands on his body. He swallowed the pill dry and pushed himself off the wall to join the world. 

When Bucky got to the gate of Tony and Pepper’s house and he could hear everyone laughing and talking he began to shake a little. He quickly leaned his head against the gate and took deep breaths and counted to 100. Then he plastered on the smile he gave Steve before walking into a fire fight and turned on the charm. As soon as he was through the door though Jan spotted him and snatched him up dragging him around for introductions. Tony and Pepper was a sweet couple that was older than he expected for their children to be so young. Tony was ex-military weapons specialization and was not a contractor. He ensured Bucky they were glad to have him with a nudge to the ribs and a wink before offering a beer. 

“My own home brew!” Tony bragged not taking no for an answer. Pepper had given her husband a sideways halfhearted glare before smiling and welcoming Bucky. Melinda had then ushered him around to at least four other couples whose names he would never remember from their brief introductions and then left him to mingle. Even though she was a little too motherly and overly helpful it honestly surprised him that she was not a gossip, or didn’t seem to be. She had not said anything to anyone she had introduced her to about what he had told her when they first met. 

Bucky ended up standing alone awkwardly for a moment nursing a beer before another man who looked fresh from the service with his hair cropped into a neat slightly grown out version of a regulation cut and he carried himself with the slight unease of someone who was too aware of every exit. He came up to him and shook his hand. Bucky made sure to set down his beer so he could keep his left hand in his jacket pocket where it would remain the whole night.  
“Hey man, nice to see a new face. Name’s Clint Barton. So’s your wife Army?” 

Bucky calmly shock his hand all while saying, “Nice to meet you Clint. My names Bucky, and no my Husbands a Captain in the 107th infantry.”  
Clint was still clasping his hand when he finished. 

“Oh… wow….” Bucky held his breath. “First time I’ve heard that since DADT died. Congratulations man.” Clint said squeezing Bucky’s hand before letting it drop. 

“Thanks.” Bucky beamed. He knew they lived in a changing world but he also knew what military culture was like. Every time he was met with approval or at least not disgust was a relief.

“Guess that’s why you’re all alone over there then,” Clint gestured back in the direction of Bucky’s house. 

“Yeah Steve was still on retention when I got my release papers. I still have nineteen days till I see him again. Then we are both done for good with active duty.” Bucky could feel the knot in his stomach from talking about Steve still being away.

“That sucks, I get it man. Me and the wife are both still active duty. When she had Alyssa I still had two months before I could home for the long term and I thought it was gonna kill me not being there with her.” Bucky could read that tone in Clint’s voice. That was what the price of the American Dream sounded like. Clint’s tone changed quickly when he slapped Bucky’s shoulder. “Come on over here and meet Natasha and Alyssa.” 

As Clint turned to lead Bucky to his wife and daughter Bucky noticed Clint’s hearing aid. He knows what it’s like to come home to a different world.  
Natasha was beautiful with bright red hair and bright eyes. Even through all her charm and behind her sexy smirk Bucky could sense the darkness behind it all. She had seen things. She had done things that hadn’t been allowed to nearly any women in the service. Bucky wondered how that was possible that she had seen combat, but that was not the kind of question you asked someone upon first meeting them.

Their daughter was adorable and tiny. Less than a year old her giggle made them both light up, and Bucky had to wonder what it would be like to be raised by two people who were both scared by war. 

Bucky spent several hours being swapped between groups and chatting with little kids and laughing at the things about civilian life that really weren’t that funny. He saw Lily and Mikayla again and met Mikayla’s husband Kurt. After about an hour had passed he started to open up to everyone and that is when it came pouring out of him. Steve. Steve this and Steve that. Steve did this. How much he missed him became painted into every single word he uttered.  
Until finally Lily pipped up, “Mr. Bucky is Steve even real?” 

Bucky laughed out loud and Mikayla had tsked at Lily, “Lily why would you ask such a question. Do you think he is lying?”

“No,” Lily chirped, “Mommy you just say that talking about people that one else can see mean those people aren’t real.”  
Mikayla looked like she was going to die of embarrassment and Kurt and Bucky started laughing so hard they both became unsteady stumbling a bit. After Bucky got his composure back he squatted down to Lily’s level. 

“You wanna see a picture of Steve? Will you believe he is real then?”

Lilly paused for a moment then nodded her head yes. Bucky pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and showed her the picture of Steve he kept in his front photo slot. They didn’t all need to know he had a dozen pictures in there. Steve was a little scruffy in this picture instead of his usual clean shaven look. He was wearing a simple blue t-shirt and his hair was cropped shorter than it actually was now. Bucky loved this picture though. It was before the accident, before being married, before everything. When it was just him and Steve. Lily stared at the photo for a long moment contemplating it. 

Then she looked up confidently at Bucky and proclaimed, “He is beautiful. I approve.” Some of the adults snickered some more, but Bucky had to chock back tears.  
“Yeah he is beautiful.” Some of the ladies insisted on seeing Steve as well, tittering and teasing him. Bucky went home that night smiling more than he had in weeks. He pulled one of Steve’s shirts and sweat pants of a drawer and breathed in the smell of him before slipping into them to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for all the fake babies. I can't help myself. Also all of the pairings used are my own personal ships. If I provided incorrect information or should elaborate on anything to do with PTSD as of this chapter let me know. 
> 
> http://addicted2success.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Chris-Evans-actor-captain-america.jpg Picture I used for the picture I described in the text.


	3. Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halloween Night and Bucky has uses his own suffering for comic relief

When Halloween night finally rolled around Bucky was in better spirits than he had been the first two weeks. Only fourteen more days until Steve could come and make their house a home. He even considered going to the door shirtless but he figured that would make some parents uncomfortable and besides if he had a shirt on if any of the kids go too freaked out he could makeup something as long as his torso was still covered. No springing this on people was probably not a great idea, but hell he had a sick sense of humor and bad coping skills. He had on the orange and black stripped shirt. 

He had lined his eyes with thick black liner and mascara and spiked his hair up wildly. The most important step in completing his Halloween was the hardest. He had lain on the bed for over an hour staring at the ceiling talking himself into it. He stared at himself in the mirror naked that morning. Had looked at the all of the scars down the left side of his body and traced the lines of healed flesh and skin grafts. He brushed his fingers across his collar bone and fingered the place where he knew it had broken. Then he closed his eyes and took more of his practiced breaths before letting his hands run over his shoulder blade where his arm used to be. His entire arm had been amputated completely removing the humors from the socket. There were nothing left but phantom pains now.

Looking at himself like this made him crave to put the prosthetic back on. At least then he didn’t feel so vulnerable with the arm. When they had first talked about prosthetics the doctors had been sure there was no way he could be fitted with any kind of prosthetic that would be any more than a prop and he had full on rejected that. He remembers the first time they tried and he just lost it. He had thrown things and over turned the medical trolley before falling to his knees shaking with anger hot tears burning his face. Steve had tried too hard during that time to be a comforter, but all Bucky had felt toward anyone was anger. He didn’t like to think about the period right after. 

Bucky had unpacked the biggest bowl he could find and filled it up with treats before plopping down on the couch and flipping through the TV channels for a Halloween movie that did not involve high levels of violence. He tried not to be too nervous or think about the arm too much. He hoped some of them would think it was funny, but maybe he was the only one messed up enough to think the idea of his arm being eaten by monsters instead of blown off by an IED was funny. When the top of the hour came around to five he could feel the butterflies in his stomach. What if this was a terrible idea. After twelve minutes of anxious waiting his door bell range, time to find out. When he opened the door there stood Mikayla and Kurt with a bouncy Lily dressed up as a kitten. 

“Trick or Treat!” she squealed thrusting her Disney Princess bag in his direction.

Bucky grinned down at her, “Take a hand full I’ve got plenty.” Mikayla smiled at her daughter and then back at Bucky. 

“She insisted we come here first. I think she thinks you are her new best friend.” 

Bucky smiled wider. “That is totally ok with me. She can have any leftover candy too if she wants it.” 

Kurt chuckled “Oh Lord no she won’t…” 

He was cut off by Lily exclaiming, “Mr. Bucky where did your arm go!” 

Bucky froze for a moment thinking about what he should say to her. Then he leaned down a little and said in a hushed tone, “Monsters ate it.”

She broke into peals of laughter, but when he looked up again it was clear her parents did not find it terrible funny. Kurt was now staring at him wide eyed and Mikayla had a look of pure horror on her face. The couple shared a look before Kurt made Lily say her goodbyes and directed her on to the next house while Mikayla stayed behind. 

“I am so sorry,” Mikayla muttered, “I had no idea… I would never have let her…”

“Hey hey, It is no big deal. I expected her to notice or I wouldn’t have come to the door armless.” Bucky tried to give her a reassuring smile. It was not working. “Is it too much? I can put it back on if you think it’s too over the top.” 

“No no!” Mikayla insisted, “You are so brave to do something like that. Do you want… or do I need to talk to her about it?” He could tell she had no idea what was an appropriate reaction right now. 

“If you want to you can, but I’m not gonna run around like this at the super market.” Mikayla looked at him, she looked at him with the look. The one that said pity and sadness and suddenly he felt sick. “Look you really don’t have to feel bad about it ok. I’m a big boy. I can deal with being armless around little kids.”

Finally Mikayla cracked a smile, “OK then, have fun tonight,” She said before turning to follow her family. “I will,” He called to her retreating back. As she was walking down the drive someone else was walking up. A little boy he didn’t recognize dressed as a ninja. He saw Mikayla stop his mom to whisper something to her before the woman unsubtly turned to look at him. Tonight was going to be a very long night indeed. 

All in all the night turned out fairly well when things were all said and done. He had received many a horrified look from parents when they noticed, but some were just as naïve as their children and assumed it was some kind of trick. The worst thing that had happened all night was when a slightly older girl about 13 came up to the door with her seven or eight year old brother. When she had noticed she had started to cry. At first he had just wanted to slam the door and hide from her onslaught of tears, but then he had though. What would Steve do? That had led to him inviting her parents and her inside and turning off the porch light for a while so they could sit down and explaining things to her. He had apologized to her parents for upsetting her and had explained to her that it didn’t really hurt him anymore and that she didn’t need to be sad for him. Her parents had apologized to him as well saying they were sorry for inconveniencing him, but that they were glad they could turn it into a teaching moment about respecting other people and their differences. Bucky didn't really like being someones teaching moment. He did like feeling as if being like this didn't make him the monster. After he had watched them go he had only had another dozen or so children come to his door. After that he had fallen asleep on the couch watching the Harry Potter marathon on ABC family. Steve loved Harry Potter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry nothing sexy yet you have one more chapter to go with no Steve. I will try and post that tomorrow. Bless every single person that see this I love you so much. <3 
> 
> I also apologize for the really random time period since we are no where close to halloween. I will now be off forever.


	4. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the reason for the implied rape tag. The suggested assault is in a dream and it not based on actual experience of the character. Please be cautioned. Also vomiting.

Bucky had many nightmares. He had had them constantly since he had been taken hostage. He couldn’t count all of the times he had woken up in a cold sweat and a blank mind with nothing but the resounding sound of gun fire in his head. He always slept better when Steve was beside him. Having Steve close to him somehow allowed his mind to relax more. He wasn’t sure if it was because he felt safer or because he knew Steve was safe.

The years following being a POW the dreams he could recall were filled with the garbled Arabic that his mind had chosen to hold onto. They consisted of nothing but darkness and the occasional flashes of light. He remembered the pain of being beaten and the ringing in his ears of explosives the pounding of foot fall and screaming. At the time he thought nothing could be worse than those dreams.

After them had come the dreams of people hurting Steve. After he and Steve had finally figured out their feelings for each other he had dreamed of people discovering them. He wouldn’t share these dreams with anyone for a long time. Bucky felt so foolish. If someone tried to fight them about it he knew they could take them, but when DADT had still been active he had worried endlessly that something was going to give them away and he couldn’t let Steve his position in the army over their relationship. Not only did the United States Army need men like Steve Rogers, Steve needed the army. Bucky had seen how it changed him. It made him a better stronger version of the determined child he had always known. Being a captain gave Steve a place to direct all of his wonderful strengths as a leader and his compassion and strict moral compass made him the best.

However they were an absolute train wreck at pretending not to be in love. It didn’t take long for people to talk about them. To whisper behind their back. The policy was don’t ask don’t tell not don’t spread rumors or gossip about how queer you thought your commanding officer was. Those dreams had felt superficial compared to the ones that would follow.

From the first night he slept on his own outside of his induce coma he had dreamed of the accident over and over. It was always the same. It was unbearably hot. He and the rest of the Howling Commandos had just completed a covert mission to prevent the bombing of a military hospital. Their Intel had been good the mission had gone so smoothly. They had been clearing area and making sure all civilians were still safely outside their perimeters; Steve was a stickler for that sort of thing. They thought they were being so careful. They were trying to crack horrible jokes to break the tension when Bucky had kicked something in the dirt. Then all he could remember was screaming in pain and flashes of red. Blood, there was blood everywhere and everyone was yelling. Steve was screaming his name. It was so hot, but he felt like he was drowning in ice water. For the first three months he woke up screaming.

The first prosthetic they tried made it worse. He couldn’t sleep at all. It felt like he was constantly being violated by the lie of what he had lost. After he had been enrolled in the experimental program with the bionic arm things had started to get slightly better. He was the first solider to ever field test the newest prosthesis the government was trying. They had to implant an electrode sensor into his brain that allowed his new limb to feed off the signals that caused the phantom pains and allowed him rudimentary range of motion. It had required surgery and more recovery time, but had been worth it because he had not had to return state side.

He did not dream of Steve then. When he had first awoken he had not known Steve at all. He had not even remembered his own name or how to speak for nearly a week. Eventually it had started to come back to him in snatches of sound and color and then in waves. He lost sleep some nights wondering which parts of his memories were lost to trauma and which were lost to time.

Tonight Bucky dreamed a new dream. He was awoken in his old bunk in Fort Hamilton. Why there he couldn’t say. Someone was holding his arms down and someone else was standing over him. The florescent lights burned his eyes and made it impossible to make out their faces. He kept asking them questions but no one responded. Finally the door burst open and four other men dragged Steve inside.

There was blood all over his face from a cut over his eyebrow and a busted lip. One eye was swollen shut while the other looked right at him. Steve was saying something to the men that Bucky couldn’t make out. The man standing over Bucky let out a cold laugh. Steve began to fight them and yell curses at them. The man standing over Bucky took a knife out of his pocket and cut Bucky’s shirt off his body. Bucky wanted to fight against them, but it was if his whole body was paralyzed by those hands holding him. Then the man pulled off the rest of Bucky’s clothes and Steve began to cry.

_Please, please, please don’t do this._ He wasn’t sure who was pleading for this to stop himself or Steve. Then the man pushed his legs apart and crawled on top of him. It felt like he was suffocating, like he couldn’t tell what was up or down. The man leaned down and whispered in Bucky’s ear. _Look at him_ , said the a voice he didn’t recognize. _I’m doing this to him. This isn’t about you. You are nothing._ Bucky could feel himself sobbing. _Look at him!_ The voice screamed. Bucky made eye contact with Steve. _I’m going to take very last piece of you away from him and leave him the trash. Then Steve Rogers will have nothing._

Bucky shot up in bed. There was less than six seconds between the moment his eyes flew open and his whole body started convulsing forcing the contents of his stomach out. He couldn’t even move. He kept vomiting. Then dry heaving until it felt like every inch of his intestines had been wrung of bile. Then he cried.

Afterwards he didn’t sleep for two days.

On the second day he went to group. Sam had hugged him after and hadn’t made him say anything.

On the third day there were no dreams at all.


	5. Day 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve finally joins Bucky in their new home and gets a hero's welcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Porn this chapter is the porn. Also I am planning for potentially as many as 40 chapters.

It had been 30 days since Bucky had moved into the house, and every morning since the cook out Bucky had shared his count down with Melinda. She told him she liked to do sun rise yoga and then get to work early. He had found out after he started doing his morning run that she always came out to start her day at the time he would make it back to his house. Today though he wanted to run as hard as his legs and lungs would allow. He wanted to fly. Today was the day. As he finished off his run he was about 5 minutes ahead of schedule. He just had to share his excitement with someone. He stretched in his front yard and did some pushups in the drive way waiting on Melinda to come out for the mail. It was surprisingly easy to do pushups with the prosthesis. Doing things like holding glasses and carrying heavy boxes was much harder. She had whistled at him when she saw him.

“Getting all pumped up for Steve?” She teased him. He jogged over to her. 

“You bet I am,” He said with a wink. 

“Well don’t keep him all to yourself. Some of us want to see this man of wonder we have heard all about” She said wagging her finger at him. 

“Well,” Bucky drawled, “I just might keep him locked up for a few days. At least the whole weekend.” She swatted him with the bills she had in her hand. They continued to chat for a moment before he went home. It was strange, but nice to be able to talk to people about such normal stuff so freely again.   
It was 5 o’clock now and Bucky knew all of his neighbors were home from work. They were probably trying to spy on him in the most none creepy way they could all come up with. They mostly all knew what today was. It was early evening and Steve still wasn’t here yet. He stared at the clock willing it to give him the time when Steve would be there. As Bucky glared down the clock he heard a car door shut outside and swiveled to look. For a moment it was like being in a dream. It felt so surreal to finally see him again. To have him so close seemed impossible.

Steve was pulling his bulging duffel out of the back seat of the taxi when Bucky threw open the front door. He ran at Steve and practically tackled him forcing Steve to steady himself against the car.

“Hey I missed you too Buck,” Steve laughed before wrapping his arms around Bucky’s shoulders and pulling him against him. For a moment they stood there in the drive just holding each other for the first time in over a month. When Steve pulled back after a moment to grab his bag they locked eyes and Bucky couldn’t wait anymore. 

He grabbed Steve’s neck and pulled him in for a deep kiss. It only took a mili second for him to respond before he was clutching Bucky again running his fingers through his hair and down his spine. Steve tasted like peppermint chewing gum and that special something that has always been Steve. Finally they pulled apart at the unsubtle couching of the cabbie. Steve apologized and paid the man before finally grabbing his duffel off the drive and taking Bucky’s hand in his and leading him inside. There is no chance they aren’t going to have some gossip about us now Bucky’s mind supplied as they walked into the house. 

They barely had the front door closed before Steve had him pressed against the wall running his hands over Bucky’s body kissing him fiercely. Steve was nibbling on his bottom lips before Bucky opened his mouth to let him in again. They continued kissing and grabbing at each other just relearning every single piece of one another that was faded in memory from their separation, the feel of Steve’s hair between his fingers or the feel of Bucky’s hips beneath his hands. 

It wasn’t until Bucky pressed his thigh between Steve’s legs to press against his hardening member that Steve moaned and pulled back. “Welcome home Captain Rogers,” he purred against Steve’s lips. Steve looked him right in the eyes then. His beautiful teal gray eye’s shown bright with mirth and affection. Bucky was never going to be able to get enough of that in his own life time. This time when they pressed their lips back together it was gentler. 

“I love you Bucky,” Steve whispered between kisses. Bucky hummed into the kisses for a moment before whispering into Steve’s ear, “Show me how much.”  
With that Steve used all of his strength to his advantage to pull Bucky’s thighs around his waist. Bucky was not small or light by any stretch of the imagination but Steve was much stronger. He had always kept himself at the height of physical health since his early twenties. After battling illness and asthmas throughout his entire childhood he had taken the blessing that adulthood brought with extreme graditutude. His time in the army had just added more mass to his frame making him intimidatingly ripped compared to the average man. He pressed their groins together rutting against each other as Bucky fought to pull Steve’s shirt off and throw the offending piece of clothing far away. Steve had one hand under Bucky’s shirt pushing it off of him while the other was struggling to fit its way inside skin tight jeans to grope his ass. As Bucky finally got his shirt removed and their bare chest made contact Steve rasped, “Where is the bedroom Buck? I need to look at all of you.” Bucky pushed their bodies apart before taking Steve’s hand in his and dragging him up the flight of stairs into their new bedroom. 

Bucky grabbed a towel off the top of the laundry hamper and tossed it across the bed before sitting down on the edge of the mattress. Pulling Steve toward him he grabbed onto his very narrow hips and began placing kissing on his hip bones and down his stomach before unfastening the button and zipper on his jeans. He pulled the jeans down until they piled around Steve’s feet and he stepped out of them. Then he began licking and sucking his hard cock through his briefs. He could feel the heat of him through the fabric and he wanted Steve more in that moment than he could remember wanting pretty much anything. Steve stopped him before he could pull him free of the restricting underwear.   
“No Bucky. It’s not that I wouldn’t love it,” he chuckled, “I’ve just missed you so much I want to take you all in.” With reluctance Bucky leaned back against the bed. He still had on his pants and boxers which Steve quickly shimmed off of him. He shifted across the bed so that he was lying more fully across it. He wouldn’t look at Steve then. He didn’t understand why he would want this. How he could look at Bucky exposed like that and want him the same. When they were both lost in passion even Bucky could forget for a moment what his body looked like. Steve didn’t seem to want to forget. He started slowly running his hands up Bucky’s legs and planting kisses as he went. He even planted kisses to either side of his throbbing cock but not close enough to give any kind of stimulation. 

He continued his exploration over his chest laving attention to each fair nipple biting at them gently and then broad strokes of his tongue to ease the sting. He made his way across his collar bone and down his flesh arm to kiss each fingertip. The whole time Bucky prayed Steve would ignore his other side. No such luck now or ever. Steve repositioned himself so he was kneeling with his knees to either side of Bucky’s hips and his arms framing his face. He reached down to run his fingers over the point where the flesh of his shoulder stopped and the metal began. All feelings of desire began to fade away as Steve touched the fake arm. 

“Steve…” he whispered, “You don’t have to pretend Steve.” Steve ignored him for a moment before bringing the wrist up to his lips and planting a kiss that Bucky would never be able to feel. He let go gently. Their eyes met again and Bucky quickly looked away as Steve stayed blanketing Bucky’s body.

“James,” Steve commanded in his strict army tone, “Look at me.” 

Bucky looked back up at him before replying sarcastically, “Steven.”

Steve sighed then smiled gently at him and running his fingers through his hair and down the side of his face. “I could never pretend to want you.” He leaned down and kissed him. “I could never pretend to love you.” The statement was followed by another gentle kiss. “It has always been a part of me. You will always be a part of me. I just want you to know I love every part of you. We can make love without the prosthesis if you want, but I don’t think it is. I don’t care about anything else but being as open and as close to you as possible. You said show me and I’m trying to.” 

Bucky snorted, “You are the sappiest person on this whole planet I swear.” 

Steve smiled brightly at him again before kissing him. “Tell me what you want me to do.”

Bucky used both hands to grip the back of Steve’s head to hold them close together, “Please stop trying to win me over again ok. I’m the one whole fucked up then not you.” Steve frowned at him before Bucky continued. “I just want you inside me. No frills and nothing between us. Like were back in that shit apartment in Brooklyn and no one in the whole world knows you love me but me.” Steve kissed him deeply and this time Bucky kissed him back just a fully. Then Steve pulled away to fish around in the bedside drawer where he knew Bucky would have stashed the lube. While Bucky lay there and let Steve kiss him and open him up with his strong fingers he thought back to the first time they had ever done this. 

Bucky was twenty two years old and Steve was twenty-four. It was after Steve had saved Bucky and at least a dozen other soldiers after they had been ambushed. He and Steve had not been in the same platoon then and he had feared during those hours when his fate had been so uncertain that he would never see Steve again. He had thought about what that fear meant and how he knew then that Steve meant more to him than he had ever been willing to admit. Bucky had been running from the truth his whole life from the first time another boy caught his eyes at twelve years old to the first time he couldn’t help staring at Steve at sixteen.

He had put every single girl he could as a barrier between himself and his feelings. Sitting alone, blind folded and crying he had only been able to think about the fact he was going to die and someone else was going to have to tell Steve. Through sheer dumb luck and against every order Steve had managed to rescue them all through a series of distractions and with the help of the first men he liberated. 

He had been awarded a medal for bravery for his stupidity and they had all been given six month leave to decide if they wanted to continue to serve and if not their duty was considered met. Steve and Bucky had gone home to the tiny shitty apartment in their native Brooklyn they had been renting before shipping out, and Bucky had spent the first three months fighting off nightmares and avoiding looking at Steve for too long. At the end of the third month Steve couldn’t take it anymore and had climbed into bed with Bucky one night after he woke up crying to comfort him. At the end of the fourth month they got tired of being cooped up in their apartment, and decided to drive down to the beach in Jersey for the day. It had been a terrible plan as there were way too many people and they got drunk to deal with all the commotion. Or Bucky got drunk and Steve had dragged him along back to a hotel room so they didn’t have to drive back that night. 

That was when it had happened Bucky was just drunk enough to be the bravest he had ever been. Steve had plopped him down on the couch and then sat down next to him with a large glass of water that he forced Bucky to nurse on while he babbled. Somewhere in his drink addled fog he had looked at Steve and said I love you. Steve had smiled at him and said I love you too Buck and apparently at the time he had read that as a confession of Steve’s feelings and had leaned in and kissed him. Steve had panicked and pushed Bucky away. Saying things like Bucky you’re drunk and you don’t know what you’re doing.   
Drunk Bucky had also taken this as rejection. He had yelled at Steve and told him to fuck off and not to talk to him again before locking himself in the bathroom to pass out. Steve had taken care of him and not brought up what happened for three whole days. Then finally when he couldn’t take it anymore he had cornered Bucky in the kitchen. 

“Why did you kiss me the other night?” Buck wished the floor would open up and swallow him. So he tried to play it off like he didn’t remember.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Rogers.” Steve had crowded him against the counter.

“No I know you remember. You have been avoiding me so we are going to talk about it.”

Bucky tried to push him away. “I’m sorry Steve. I shouldn’t have ok. I was drunk and it doesn’t mean anything. Look I don’t want to talk about it ok!” 

Steve had gently cupped his face in his hands and forced Bucky to look at him. 

Then he had used his series voice on him, “James Buchanan Barnes I need to know right now if I am crazy. I need you to look at me and tell me if the reason you kissed me was because you are a foolish sloppy drunk, which I know you can be, or if it is something else. Because if it is something else I need to know right now.” Bucky jerked harshly trying to get away from Steve. “Bucky,” Steve soothed pressing their forheads together, “Bucky please I can’t take this anymore. Please tell me if you feel like I pray you do because if you feel the same way I do I’m going to kiss you again, and if you don’t I’m going to pack my things and leave.” 

Bucky was so shocked for a moment he was completely still and couldn’t breathe. He felt like the world was on its head and like he was spinning out of control. This couldn’t be real. There was no way that Steve Rogers could possibly feel the same things he felt.

“Are you lying to me?” He finally asked. 

“Buck,” Steve breathed, “Why would I ever lie to you?” 

Bucky swallowed harshly before staring straight into Steve’s eyes. “Then kiss me.”

That night they had spent three hours making love. Bucky was no virgin and after that night he would find out it was not even Steve’s first experience with a man despite the fact he seemed like Mr. Purity. But Bucky had never made love before. He had never had someone cherish him and worship him. He had never so badly wanted to give someone pleasure just to see their reactions. Bucky had never loved someone like he loved Steve. 

Bucky was brought back to the present by the sensation of Steve touching that spot just so perfectly. He let out a breathy moan and arched his back. 

“Fuck Roger,” Bucky moaned louder as Steve did it again.

“There you are,” Steve smirked, looking up at Bucky from where he was positioned between his legs. “I could tell you were wondering somewhere else.” 

Steve planted wet open mouthed kisses to the inside of Bucky’s thigh. Bucky loved this part of sex. The part where he felt exposed, and not the way he normally did with Steve. He always felt emotionally exposed with Steve because Steve could just look at him at know. No, right now he felt completely different. Steve’s mouth was so close to the most intimate parts of his body, his fingers were inside Bucky stretch and teasing him, his eyes were taking it all in. Bucky had gone all the way with one other guy before Steve and it had been sloppy and not at all intimate. 

Now Steve was watching as his own fingers thrust in and out of Bucky’s body. He knew Steve would watch later too when he pushed his thick cock into Bucky’s body spreading him open. The sight of having that tight hole suck him in like they were made to fit always did something extra for him. He seemed to love it almost as much as he loved being on his own hands and knees trembling after being slowly taken apart with lips and tongue. 

He decided to do a little teasing of his own. Bucky pushed up onto his elbows. The dog tags with his name engraved on them still hung around Steve’s neck. He looped his fingers around them bring Steve’s head back up and his eyes away from his work. “Stand up solider,” Bucky purred, “I’m more than ready.” 

Steve pulled his fingers free and Bucky bit down on his bottom lip before standing himself. He maneuvered Steve so they could swap positions. With Steve’s feet planted on the floor Bucky climbed into his lap and pressed their pre-come sticky cocks together between their bodies. Bucky poured some of the lube into his own hand before wrapping it around the both of them. They both moaned loudly against the sensation. Bucky gave Steve several more kisses that were more tongue than lips at this point while slicking up their pulsing erections. When he was satisfied that they were both on edge he pushed Steve back into a reclining position placing both is hands flat on Steve’s chest. 

“All right Captain I’m ready to be reminded what I’ve been missing.” Bucky gave him the cheekiest grin possible.

“Oh fuck Bucky, please!” Steve groaned between clenched teeth as Bucky lined them up before sliding Steve’s cock fully inside of him. 

“Mmmh, that’s right,” Bucky panted as he started setting a pace between them, “Talk dirty to me cap.”

“You’re ridiculous sometimes. You know that?” Steve rasped as he gripped Bucky’s hips. 

“I know I am punk,” Bucky said leaning back so he had one hand on Steve’s knee and the other wrapped around his own leaking shaft so that Steve could see him riding him. “You gonna fuck me or not?”

Steve grabbed Bucky by the waist as he sat up and slammed him back down. Bucky let out a chocked cry as Steve did it over and over again. Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky’s body so he had better leverage for deeper faster thrusts and Bucky gripped onto Steve’s shoulders. He knew he was going to leave bruises. 

“Fuck me Steve, Fuck me harder.” Bucky begged. 

Steve was leaving his own marks on Bucky’s chest were he sucked and kissed all over the places he could reach in the position they were in. He could feel Steve getting close. Steve reached between then to wrap his hand around Bucky. 

“Buck, God! I need you to come. I don’t want to finish without you.”

“I’m trying Steve, fuck I am just,” Bucky hissed and groaned as Steve hit his prostate over and over, “Just don’t stop ok, just don’t you dare fuck stop.” Steve gave two perfectly timed thrusts and pulls on Bucky’s cock and he was coming. 

Bucky slumped against him, kissing him lazily while Steve panted into his mouth before coming himself. 

As they tried to catch their breaths together Bucky could feel the stickiness of Steve’s hot come inside of him. It was weird to miss a sensation like that, but he had.

“Love you Jerk,” Steve whispered with his eyes closed as he continued to hold Bucky tight.

Bucky just stared at him and wondered how through all this hell he got so lucky.


	6. Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bagels with a side of Bigotry

Steve woke up early the next morning. He was showered and dressed before he woke Bucky up.

“Hey Buck,” he whispered down at his husband as he shook him awake, “I was going to make breakfast, but all you have is milk, sugar, bread, two eggs, and some coffee.”  
Bucky groaned and rolled over before mumbling, “Stop worrying about breakfast and come back to bed.” 

Steve pulled the covers off Bucky before crawling across the bed to plant a kiss on his unshaven cheek. “Come on get up. You can show me around and we can walk to Panera Bread and you can have one of those bagels with way too much sugar on it.” 

“Steve oh my god it will take an hour to walk to fucking Panera Bread.” Bucky mumbled as he refused to move from his position on the bed.

“Well you can get up and come to Panera Bread or you can show me what route you’ve been running without breakfast. Your choice,” Steve said as he ran his fingers through Bucky’s too long hair. 

“You gonna make it worth my time?” Bucky said with grin before rolling back around in the direction of Steve. 

“Only if you get up,” Steve said running his hand down Bucky’s still naked sides. 

“I promise I’ll go to stupid Panera Bread if you move your hand a couple inches down,” Bucky said placing his own hand over Steve’s leading it down toward his cock.  
Steve chuckled leaning down to kiss him before wrapping his hand around Bucky’s cock which had only partially started to take interest in their shenanigans.  
As Steve slowly worked him off they kept up slowly kissing. Bucky tugged at Steve’s short hair sighing into their kisses whenever Steve moved his hand just right. 

“You know what I thought about every night while you were here?” Steve asked between kisses.

“How much you missed jerking me off in the morning?” Bucky teased.

“No,” Steve said planting a kiss to Bucky’s jaw, “I thought about the fact that I would be coming home to a husband. Not a boyfriend and not just a friend.” 

“Please tell me you’re not really that cheesy Rogers,” Bucky mumbled.

“You better believe I am.” Steve pulled away from the kissing to look at Bucky’ face, all kiss reddened lips and endless blue eyes. “I love you.”

That was all it took to push Bucky over the edge with a soft cry of Steve on his lips.  
****  
It actually took 1 hour and 14 minutes exactly for them to walk to Panera Bread. 

Steve ordered black coffee, two plain whole wheat bagel, and fruit. Bucky ordered a chai latte, and a cinnamon sugar bagel with extra honey walnut cream cheese. “Don’t you dare judge me Rogers,” Bucky threatened.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Steve said hiding his smile behind his cup of coffee. 

They ate most of their meal in mutual silence. Sharing little glances across the table before Steve eventually reached across the table and took Bucky’s hand into his own. After a while of sitting with their fingers entwined Bucky noticed an older gentleman kept looking over at them. He was sitting with what appeared to be his teenage daughter and possibly one of her friends. She had clearly talked him into treating them before they went wherever teenagers needed to be at this time of morning on a Saturday. Bucky made eye contact with the man for a brief moment before the man made a face at him and turned away. 

“Dad, stop.” He heard the young girl warn. 

“Well I’m sorry. The rest of this state might have decided that behavior is acceptable, but I don’t like seeing them parading around. They don’t have to be holding hands making sure anyone that looks knows what they are.”

Bucky heard the girls say something back to her father, but it didn’t register with him because he could feel from where Steve was touching him and he could read it in the lines of his shoulders that he was tense all over.

“Steve don’t it isn’t worth it,” Bucky whispered looking only at him.

“Of course it is.” Steve insisted loud enough that he knew if they were still paying attention they heard. 

Bucky sighed, “Fine, but don’t get yourself arrested to make a point to some asshole.” 

Steve smirked at Bucky before pulling away and standing up making his way over to the other table.

“Sir, I hate to bother you, but I heard you just a moment ago and I would appreciate it if you have a problem with my husband and I you could come say it to me,” Steve had laid emphasis on the word husband. 

Bucky sat covering his mouth to keep from laughing. Of course this man wasn’t going to do anything Steve was built like a brick house.  
The man’s eyes got huge as he took in Steve standing over him. As the man tried to collect some kind of pathetic argument Bucky collected their trash and threw it away to come and stand beside Steve. He reached him just about the time the man was done sputtering about something along the lines of the fact he didn’t think he should have to be subjected to seeing them. Bucky slung his arm around Steve’s waist before proceeding to lean on him resting his head on his shoulder. 

“Come on Stevie, you done harassing the bigoted?” Bucky asked.

The man’s mouth gaped open a little at Bucky’s comment before Steve said, “Yes, but sir I would just like you to know that we are both soldiers who sacrificed more than you have your whole life to defend your right to say that to my face.” 

Bucky started walking away but was careful to grab the front of Steve’s shirt with his left hand so they would see it. Just for the joy of seeing all color drain out of the man’s face and both girl light up with embarrassment. Steve followed willing. After they got outside Bucky looked over to Steve and bumped him with his shoulder. 

“So does doing that sorta thing help you sleep better at night?”

“Nah, Buck I just still really hate bullies.” Steve insisted.

Bucky threw his head back and laughed for a minute while Steve stared at him. “What’s so funny jerk?”

“Nothing. I’ve just missed your adorable sense of righteousness.” Bucky said before taking Steve’s hand back into his own for the walk back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it is pretty short. The next chapter is going to also deal with homophobia but of a much more serious kind. Also as a pre-warning I will try and update every day from now till next Wednesday, but after that it might be awhile. I'm gonna be in Russia from then until the 4th and then in Poland till the 13th. Please be patient with me.


	7. June 2010

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment from the past. Steve and Bucky back in Afghanistan before being out. Dealing with the reality of a system that didn't want their relationship to exist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Homophobia Warning Again

 

Afghanistan feels like a parody of a dessert. It feels like God is bullshitting with them to be stuck somewhere so barren as a U.S. military base. With nothing but cocky attitudes when locked in and constant anxiety when they are all out on patrol. Bucky was restless. Everything they were doing felt so pointless compared to what it had been like when they were officially at war. This wasn’t war this was babysitting with death. Still he liked being here better than he liked pretending to be useful back home, besides Steve was here. Nothing was going to get Steve to go home until he felt like he couldn’t do some kind of good. Even if Bucky doubted that Steve thought the people he was protecting any more were the Americans.

Their whole unite had been dispatched here so he figured someone who way outranked him had plans to use their specialized platoon. That didn’t mean they cared enough about them to give them special treatment. They were housed with everyone else. Which meant Steve was separated from him in officer’s quarters. He hated that more than anything. Tonight though he knew they would have alone time. No duties to deal with immediately tonight. Military life was a lot of sit around and wait.

After Bucky knew almost everyone else would be at dinner he made his way to Steve’s space. Since Steve was a captain he had a door that closed. It was still shared with another officer, but it was much better than trying to be discreet where the enlisted men slept. He came to Steve’s door and knocked gently on the door frame to get his attention.

“Good evening Captain,” Bucky said biting his lip and unsubtly and racking his eyes over Steve’s frame.

“Good evening to you Sergeant Barnes,” replied Steve standing up from where he had been crouched near the bed pulling something out from under the edge of the bedframe.

“Whatchya got hidden under that mattress?” Teased Bucky knowing full and well what his lover kept hidden for moments like this.

“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know,” Steve smiled as he let Buck crowd into his space.

“Hmmmm wouldn’t I,” Bucky groaned placing his hands on Steve’s hips.

“Bucky you really need to close the door before you start trying to seduce me,” Steve chastised him.

“Oh but Cap, I like the danger,” Bucky replied with a cocky grin before trying to lean in for a kiss.

Both men startled and pulled apart at the sound of a voice.

“Captain Rogers, Colonel Phillips sent me to….”

They all stood there for a moment of awkward silence before Lieutenant Rumlow started speaking again. “What the fuck is going on here?”

Steve cut him off, “Nothing is going on here Lieutenant. Sergeant Barnes just had something he needed to speak with me about in private so if you would please deliver your message.”

“Excuse me Captain, but it certainly doesn’t look like nothing,” Rumlow growled staring at Bucky instead of continuing to make eye contact with Steve.

“We are not discussing this Lieutenant. Dispatch your message and then leave,” Steve commanded.

Rumlow glared at both of them with disdain before finishing his message, “Colonel needs to see you at 20:00 sharp to speak with you about tomorrow’s maneuvers.”

“Your dismissed Lieutenant,” Steve informed Rumlow; who was already beginning to turn and go without being dismissed.

After a minute of tense silence between them Steve leaned over Bucky to push the door closed, “And that Bucky is why we shut the door,” Steve whispered before planting a kiss to his temple.

 

                                                                                         

*****

The next morning while Bucky was on his way to breakfast two other soldiers he was not as familiar with shoulder checked him, both of them calling him a faggot before walking on. Bucky stood there dumbfounded for a moment. He was used to that kind of language and sometimes even directed at him, but it was always in a teasing way from fellow enlisted men or screamed at them from higher ups. Never in the way he had just experienced, anonymous and aggressive.

He brushed it off as he made his way into the mess hall where he was stopped by Lieutenant Rumlow. Rumlow came right up to Bucky and planted his hand in the center of his chest stopping him from walking on. “Listen solider you need to watch yourself,” Rumlow ground out. He stared Bucky down with thinly veiled disgust.

“I’m sorry Lieutenant did I do something wrong?” Bucky retorted. It was barely past six a.m. and way too early for this bullshit. Rumlow crowded into Bucky’s personal space getting right into his face but Bucky didn’t back down.

“Don’t fucking play with me Barnes. You think I don’t know a queer when I see one. You and Rogers better keep some space between you while you’re under this roof or I’ll make sure you know what hell on earth really is,” Rumlow growled at him never breaking eye contact.

Bucky held back the urge to punch Rumlow’s lights out. “Excuse me Lieutenant, but I don’t know what you’re talking about so let me pass.” Bucky made to push past him when he grabbed his arm jerking him backwards. From the corner of his eye Bucky noticed Steve across the canteen.

_Fuck this is going to get ugly._

“That isn’t how this is gonna work Barnes. You’re gonna listen when I speak to you.” Bucky glared daggers at him. “So Sergeant Barnes you go keep your fag hands to yourself or are we gonna have to teach you a lesson.” Bucky ground his teeth and clenched his fists at his sides. He was not going to respond to this level or provocation.

Steve came up and interrupted them, “Gentlemen is there a problem here?”

“No Captain just reminding Sergeant Barnes of his place,” Rumlow chuckled.

“Well I think it’s been enough. Come along Sergeant,” Steve pulled lightly at Bucky’s arm urging him to walk away, but as soon as Steve had his back turned Rumlow leaned in close and whispered, “Guess this means you’re the bitch.”

Rumlow’s pompous smirk stayed on his face for all of the five seconds it took Bucky to land the first punch to his jaw. He only got one more good punch in before Rumlow landed one to his gut and grabbing him from behind and pulling him away. The rest of the Howling Commandos had been watching and Dum Dum had quickly grabbed on to Rumlow wrenching his arm behind him so he could take another swing.

“Go fuck yourself Rumlow,” Bucky screamed at him over the commotion that had erupted.

“How about you let your boyfriend fuck you over one of these tables Barnes and see who’s getting back up next time you dare to take a swing at me,” Rumlow yelled back.

“Enough!” Colonel Philips roared stopping everyone dead. “Now what the fuck is going on here.”

Dum Dum let go of Rumlow before both men went to speak and he halted them. “You first Lieutenant Rumlow,” Phillips barked.

“I was just reminding Barnes here that the Army is no place for faggots sir,” Rumlow retored with a shit eating grin as if he thought that comment was going to earn him some kind of medal.

“Listen here Lieutenant. I personally do not give two shits what any of you do on your free time. Until there becomes a time when homosexuality impairs your ability to fire a gun I’m not going to worry if some of you are convinced someone here is one.” Then he turned to Bucky, “As for you solider I don’t know what you’re doing to make enemies, but this isn’t the first accusation of this kind I’ve heard about you. Now as far as I am concerned the policy is still Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. That means Lieutenant as long as Sergeant Barnes and any other man in this company aren’t telling I suggest you stop asking for trouble. Now move along.”

They both replied with curt _Yes Sirs_ and were dismissed.

It wasn’t until after Rumlow started walking away sneering at him that Bucky realized Steve still had his hand on his shoulder from when he had grabbed him. They were going to have to do something differently.


	8. Veterans Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky go to the veterans day celebrations in D.C. and it brings up anxieties in Bucky he isn't sure how to face just yet.

Veteran’s day was a day when they were supposed to feel celebrated. Bucky did not feel like celebrating, but Steve was determined to drag him to the parade downtown. He said being around people like them would boost Bucky’s morale and help him feel better about civilian life if he could see everyone else going through it too. Bucky secretly thought his ridiculous husband thought it might help Bucky feel appreciated to have all those people “thanking him for his service”.

Never the less Steve was very persuasive and that is how he found himself on the subway dreading getting to the central station, and having to get out and face all those people. People who would see him and just know without asking and thinking he was some kind of hero. He didn’t feel like a hero.

Bucky was sitting down with his head pressed against the glass avoiding making eye contact with the other patrons until Steve broke his resolve to be as detached as possible throughout the entirety of their ride.

“Hey,” He spoke softly, “Just remember we don’t have to stay all day.” Then he gave Bucky his stupid beautiful smile looking down at him from where he was standing on the extremely crowded train.

That is why he put himself through this special brand of hell. Steve could smile like that and Bucky would do anything he asked.

When they got out of the train they were immediately swarmed by even more people. From the platform and onto the street the crowd was only slightly less suffocating. Bucky gripped Steve’s hand like a life line and tried to not look like he was miserable.

They had a rendezvous point outside the museum of American History with the other Commandos that still lived close enough to make it. That included Dum Dum, Morita, and Jones.

After fighting their way through the crowds all plastered in red, white, and blue it was a relief to Bucky to see some familiar faces. They shared a round of hugs and some teasing and it all made it a little easier to be around the people that knew him before. The people he trusted and whom would never think twice about him and Steve or the arm or any of it.

All of the revelry was broken when he heard her voice.

“Hello gentlemen. I see you’re all starting the fun without me,” came the silkily accented jest.

“Peggy!” Steve exclaimed before wrapping her up into a hug. “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you back in England?”

“I was in D.C. for some other personal reasons, and I thought I would maybe see some familiar faces in the crowd.” She gave Steve a wink and he returned it with his sunshine smile.

Bucky stomach clinched with anxiety.

They had met Peggy several years back when they had been called in on a special covert operation that was in joint connection to the British armed forces. Peggy being a communications officer and intelligence agent had been the one directing them. She and Steve had become good friends. They just clicked. Bucky had liked her then.

She had also crossed their path shortly after the accident. She had been there to comfort Steve when Bucky was in the worst of it. When Bucky had screamed and thrown things at Steve. When Bucky had said things he would always regret. Agent Carter had been there. Even though he trusted her and he didn’t hate her having her so close to Steve now made him ache. Bucky knew Steve deserved so much better than him. He had told him so over and over both while in tears and while screaming for months after the accident. It didn’t matter that Steve had already promised till death do us part. Bucky had felt dead. At the time it seemed a good enough reason. Now though, now when Steve smiled at her like that all he could feel was pain. It wasn’t her fault, but he wanted to blame her. He had wanted to hate her so much.

He was broken out of his thoughts by someone else speaking.

“Don’t tease them Peggy. I heard she was gonna be in town so I gave her a ring and asked if she wanted to see some familiar American faces,” Dum Dum declared grinning.

“Very true,” Peggy said beaming at them. Bucky tried hard to smile back and make it look convincing. He didn’t think it was working.

They spent the rest of the afternoon indulging in the comradery and the high spirits of everyone around them, and also showing Peggy around. As the day had trudged on Bucky had become more at ease. He noticed every other veteran in the crowd that, like him was missing a limb. A few times he made eye contact with someone and they shared a moment of understanding. Over all it was not as bad as he thought. It was still a little suffocating with all of the people around them though, and he did have some well meaning people stop him to thank him for his service. One of them was a much older gentlemen. A WWII veteran. They all shared a moment talking with him and Bucky had insisted that he was the one among them that deserved the thanks. The old man had just smiled and shock his hand.

After walking away Morita and sighed, "It's things like that that remind me we have it easy now. Imagine being back then in the trenches. I'll keep the desert." They had all agreed. 

As the sun had started to set Bucky started pushing Steve to leave. He didn’t want to be around for any chance of fireworks or drunkenness. He had enough explosions and memories of poor alcohol induced decisions making to last him for a lifetime.

As they are leaving Steve asked Peggy if she would like to come to their place some time to have dinner. Peggy declines sweetly and insisted that she would love to but could not because you had to finish her business tomorrow and then fly home, “but maybe next time.” Before she left she gave Bucky a hug and planted a kiss on Steve’s check. Bucky knew he shouldn’t be jealous of cheek kisses. He was.

The way home was less crowded because they were in the early crowd, but Bucky was just as quite. When they finally made it through their front door Bucky threw himself at Steve kissing him and backing him against a wall.

As he drug Steve upstairs he was stopped by him speaking, “Not that I want you to stop, but what’s got you so excited?”

Bucky sighed running his metal hand down his face, both as a reflex and as a settling gesture. The cool of the metal helped push away the fog. He pulled Steve in for a gentler kiss before mumbling, “It was just a long day and I need this.”

Steve didn’t protest just let Bucky take the lead. As Bucky pushed Steve onto their bed and pulled his clothes off kissing every inch of skin possible he kept repeating in his head _mine, my husband, my Steve._

He felt a little guilty about his possessiveness, but only after a long round of sucking Steve’s perfect cock. Letting Steve push his head down with his fingers wrapped in his hair, desperate for it. He liked when Steve was rougher with him. It made him feel unbreakable on days when he felt broken.

He lay awake after Steve had fallen asleep and watched him. He was beautiful. With his face relaxed and his chest exposed so Bucky could watch him breath. He placed his hand over his heart to feel it beating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK so if anyone noticed that read this early on that it said Mid-October in the first chapter that the dates would not match up for it being veterans day I changed the first chapter to say early October. Please forgive me weird things like that.


	9. Thanksgiving

Tomorrow was Thanksgiving and Steve was going all out. He had bought the green beans, potatoes, turkey, and everything else they might ever possibly need. Steve had also invited Sam. It wasn’t like they could possibly eat all of it on their own. No matter how much Steve could eat, but plans changed.

Sam called them to say he couldn’t make it because he didn’t feel right not being at the veterans’ center. They always had a big Thanksgiving dinner that was free for anyone to come to. Several hundred of D.C.’s homeless were veterans and even more would be alone for one reason or the other. Steve had caved instantly. He promised they would do their own thing later that same night or the next day.

As Steve and Bucky lay in bed whispered in the dark, “I know we are doing the right thing tomorrow.”

“But?” Steve murmured back.

“I feel guilty. Ya know like survivor’s guilt, but luckiness guilt. Lucky that I had someone to put me back together afterward,” Bucky said.

“Hey, Buck I promise tomorrow I’ll be right there. You get overwhelmed or need to stay busy just get my attention ok,” Steve whispered; rolling over unsettling Bucky’s head where it rested on his chest so they could face each other.

Bucky let out a shaky breath before scooting closer to Steve so their foreheads touched and their noses brushed together.   He trusted him.

The next day they got to the shelter early and helped Sam and the other staff set. Up if nothing else Bucky knew they owed Sam. Sam had been the only counselor that he had not immediately hated. Bucky had been State side for three months in a military rehab center on base. He and Steve had both come back then, but Steve had been required to help with completing the logistics of the last Howling Commandos mission. It had been all very hush even when it came to Bucky. He had been able to see Steve semi regularly then, but the higher ups had refused to let them talk on the phone or anything for the month they were separated.

During the time he had been at the rehab they had forced him to go to group therapy. He had been forced to see a therapist immediately after the accident and he had hated all three of the ones he had been given. As soon as he had sat and talked to Sam he felt like he was really being listened or more importantly most of the time like he didn’t have to talk. Same did group sessions once a week at Fort Meade and twice a week at the Veteran’s center in downtown D.C.

Steve had asked around for the best therapy groups and had been directed to Sam and Sam had been a huge support for Steve as well. They even talked on the phone before they got back in D.C.

Afterward Sam had become like a rock for both of them in just a short time. Also like both of them he had no one but other soldier’s and friends to lean on.

Bucky was relegated to helping in the kitchen while Steve set up the dining area.

When the first men started showing up Bucky could feel the knots tying up in his stomach. The director of the center had asked all of the volunteers if they could also mingle with everyone eating, Bucky knew their job was basically to help start conversation and make it easy for people to relax. He was just afraid he was going to fuck it up.

At right around 2 o’clock the majority of the crowd had arrived and people started serving. Bucky looked around for a couple of minutes before Steve came up behind him and grabbed his shoulder. “You can do this Buck. It will be good for you,” Steve reassured him smiling at him.

Bucky just gave a strained smiled back at his husband before taking a deep shaking breath and picking out a table with an empty seat at random. There were three other people seated there already: a much older gentleman who was in his 60s, another guy in his 40s who was clearly one of the homeless, and surprisingly a woman about Bucky’s age.

“Hey,” Bucky started as he sat down.

“Hey,” The guy in his forties replied extending his hand to shake Bucky’s. He was on Bucky’s right so he had no choice but to extend his left hand. When he did they all took notice but not one of them said anything.

“Names Jake,” The man continued, “What’s yours?”

Bucky paused for a moment and thought about what he should tell them. He stuck with the detached version of this evening.

“James,” He replied with a weak smile.

“Hi James I’m Nikki,” The young woman smiled. She had a very genuine smile, but it still had that haunted edge around her eyes.

Bucky looked across the table at the old man and the man’s face didn’t change from his very neutral expression. “Chuck,” he mumbled shakings Bucky’s hand as well.

They kept up small talk for a while as the meal was served and they shared little pieces of their own stories. Their ranks, how many tours, what division of the military they were. Nikki and Jake were both Navy while Chuck was air force.

Finally Jake asked, “So since you’re a volunteer what bring you around here? Cause you don’t have some place better to be either?”

Bucky laughed softly for a minute. “Actually I was supposed to be having a three person Thanksgiving until party number three called and asked us to help out and we just couldn’t say no.”

“So who are the other parties?” Nikki asked.

“Um…” Bucky said looking around for a minute spotting Sam first. “That right there is party number three,” He said pointing at Sam. “His name is Sam. Then let me see.” Bucky turned around in his chair because he couldn’t see Steve. Then he spotted him talking and laughing with some people he didn’t recognize. “There is party number 2,” Bucky said honestly smiling.

“Well doesn’t he look like a real life G.I. Joe,” Jake retorted.

Bucky laughed out loud at that one. “Yeah I guess he does. He is kinda ridiculous like that. His name is Steve by the way.”

“So you guys all serve together?” Nikki asked.

“No just me and Steve. It’s always been me and Steve. Sam is our friend,” Bucky told them.

“So I’m guessing you guys are more friends,” Chuck spoke up for the first time when there was not a question directed at him. Bucky had not expected that at all.

“Why you askin,” Bucky let a little of his normally very Brooklyn subtle accent slip out.

“I just noticed you’ve got a pair of dog tags on that don’t have your name on it. The say Steven Rogers,” Chucked stated very calm. He didn’t seem upset by the idea, but Bucky was still uncomfortable with the asking.

Buck grabbed the dog tags that were hanging around his neck and rubbed rough lettering.

“September 23rd 2011. We exchanged tags instead of rings. So yeah we are more than friends,” Bucky says clutching the tags.

For a moment there is uneasy silence before Chuck looks right at him and says, “Don’t be defensive kid. Just be grateful that when you came home with that arm you had someone to come home to who understood.”

Bucky released a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. He looked at the other members of the table. Nikki gave him a soft smile and Jake shrugged when he looked at him, “Man that isn’t any of my business.”

They fell back into easy conversation. One more day of small miracles thought Bucky.

****

Bucky, Steve, and Sam went back to the house around 7 o’clock after everything was clean and everyone had been wished off.

They piled onto the couch and ended up ordering Chinese and going around saying what they were grateful for.

“I’m grateful for good friends and an adorable husband,” Steve declared between bites of egg noodle.

“I’m grateful for a fulfilling job and strong whiskey,” Sam followed.

Bucky flipped through the channels for a couple of minutes before saying, “I’m grateful for advanced medical engineering and a slowly changing world that seems to be changing just a little faster every day, and Steve.”

Sam and Steve both chuckled at the last part.


	10. Steve meet Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve meets Tony for the first time, and Tony offers to work on Bucky's arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY! I know it has been weeks, but I was doing a LOT of traveling. During that traveling I also got really sick and it made I just couldn't find the energy or the time to write. Please don't hate me if you are actually reading this story. Thank you <3

Steve was on the cool down leg of his early morning run. Bucky wasn’t with him this morning and wouldn’t be joining him for the foreseeable future because the shoulder joint ached in the cold. At least it ached worse. Since the cold was really setting in now in the early days of December it had already started to make Bucky’s whole left side ache and he had learned through the seasons what he could handle. He even in the desert he could handle the arm getting hot enough for it to burn, but the cold caused a deep ache to spread through his whole chest. So he would stay away from damp winter air as much as possible.

As he made his way down their street he heard the whirling of power tools and slowed down to catch the sight of his neighbor _Tony?_ Yeah that is what he thought Bucky said. He was working on a candy apple red antique Mercedes. Steve wouldn’t say he was necessarily a car guy but you don’t see one like that every day.  He stopped for just a second to check out when the guy beneath the car looked up and saw him.

“Hey! Hey you! Come here,” The guy Steve thought was named Tony yelled.

Steve looked around for a second before slowly making his way up the drive. The guy scrambled out from under his car while wiping his hands on his grease stained shirt.

“Hey man you’re Steve right?” The filthy guys said smirking extended his hand.

“Yeah you must be Tony right?" Steve said shaking his hand.

“Yeah listen man I heard your errr husband right?” Tony asked quirked up his eyebrow as if asking Steve confirmation for whether or not that was the correct term for their relationship.

“Yeah Bucky is my husband,” Steve coolly replied. “

Ok cool man didn't want to make it weird if you were just live-in or something. Anyway I head he caused quite the fuss around Halloween and I hadn't got the chance to talk to him since then about it ya know,” Tony said.

 “Why are you mad at him?” Steve asked slightly defensively.

“No NO nothing like that. My kids didn’t actually even trick or treat in this neighbor they were with some friends in theirs. Just I heard his, I guess damage was pretty extensive and I wondered what kinda prosthetics he had. Because I know that well… My thing is kinda tinkering with things and my division was always in new mechanics and weaponry and I just wanted to know if he would be interested in letting me look at it.” Tony said nudging Steve playfully.  

“Oh,” Steve replied slightly shocked at the offer. Most people avoided talking about things they assumed made other people uncomfortable like missing limbs. “Yeah I don't really know about that you would have to talk to Buck about that.”

 “Yeah I kinda figured but you know you could pass on the offer to him for me.” Tony insisted before heading back over to his car.

 “Why are you so interested?” Steve asked following him.

“Oh yah know that I just kinda can't help being interested in seeing if he got one of those new ones,” Tony had this sparkling look in his eyes like that seemed like it would be the most fun he’d had in month to play around with fixing the mechanics of someone else’s arm.

“What do you mean by new ones?” Steve said puzzled.

“Oh man I know they have been doing some experimental issuing of these new prosthetics that look, or really act more like a real arm than anything that has been used before. And there is a pretty long adjustment processes from what I've seen, but yeah I've read all the specks on the things. I would love to get a chance to try and help him get the best use out of it cause I’ve heard they also come with a few kinks.” Tony replied with rapid fire as he looked around his bright red vehicle.

 “Yeah if you could help him that would be great but it would really be up to him thought I can't make that kind of call for him,” said Steve.

“It's cool it's cool man,” Tony said patting Steve on the shoulder. “So hey if you don't mind the asking, but how did you and mister shy and dark hook up with the walking ken doll. I don't know if he has always been like that but when I met the kid he was super reserved.”  “You,” Tony said pointing a wrench at him, “Seem like the stereotypical gym rat that goes to raves and has to beat twinks off with a stick.”

Steve scowled. “I don't appreciate you talking like that.”

 “OH, you mean about gay dudes in general or just you cause you gotta know what you look like man.”

“Yes I am very aware thank you,” Steve said but he kept frowning. No Bucky had not always been shy it is kind of a side effect of everything had been though.

“So was he the one that perused you? I get it some guys got kinks for getting g caught. Was that it coming on to a superior officer get him goin?” Tony winked.

 “OK so I have no idea where this conversation is going at this point but I am not talking about this with you ore any one ok. And no Bucky and I met when we were in high school and enlisted together,” Steve replied tersely.

 “Sorry sorry,” Tony said with a laugh, “I know I come on a little strong man but yah you don't see guys that look like you in real life every often.” Steve narrowed his eyes at Tony and kept his arms crossed. “Sooo I saw that you were eyeing my car,” Tony segued the conversation away from dangerous territory. Steve let it go.

“Yeah she is beautiful how did you end up with a car like that?”

Tony Got closer to Steve and mock whispered to him, “Just between you and me buddy I'm loaded.”

Steve started to laugh at him.

“NO! Seriously man I'm not kidding I think I have about 4 models of my favorite car I just keep them in storage so they don't get messed up and just they are my favorite tinker toys at the moment.”

 “Bullshit,” Steve mumbled.

“I am serious dude see my Pepper after she had our first, it was a an unplanned thing and she said Tony I will not live in one of those e pretentious neighbor hoods and let out kid get drug around left at some pretentious school like you grew up I am not having it. So we compromised. I get to get our kids whatever I want to give them and I keep all my toys and they still go to the best school around BUT we live like normal people as much as possible so they grow up around normal kids and get to have a normal life with street kick ball and shitty cafeteria lunches and whatever else Pep thinks is important for "emotional development”. Toy rolled his eyes and did air quotes around emotional development like he really though it was a joke. “Anyway yeah. I got a big buy out from the military to give up my share in some of the inventions I've been a part of and I keep working as a contractor. I do it so my kids get the dad I didn’t and I keep Pepper happy ya know.

 Steve really did know because he was giving up the military too so that he could be with Bucky. He didn't have to but it didn't feel right to stay when that was never going to be an option for Bucky ever again. He wanted to be state side always now so that he could be right where he was needed.

“By the way, uh Tony. Why are you up at six in the morning working on your car?” Steve asked smiling at himself as the strangeness of it hit him.

“Oh Damn! Is that what time it is?” Tony whirled around to ask him.

“Yeah,” Steve said with a light chuckle.

“Welp that’s insomnia for ya,” Tony replied with a shrug.

“Alright well I’m going to go now. I’ll be sure to pass on that message to Bucky,” Steve said as he turned to make his way down the drive.

“You do that,” Tony yelled after him as he plopped down next to the car to start working again.

When Steve walked back through the front door of their home Bucky was seated at the kitchen table nursing a cup of coffee with messy bed head wearing a too big t-shirt, box briefs, and knee socks.

“Our neighbor is weirdly invasive and apparently doesn’t sleep at all,” was Steve method of greeting.

Buck grunted as him as a response.

Steve came over and kissed his forhead, “He says he thinks he can make your arm easier on you.”

“Oh fun,” Bucky replied drolly, “Letting more people dig around in my shoulder.”

“Just letting you know,” Steve said smiling before turning stripping his shirt and heading for the shower.

“Steeeb,” Bucky whined, “Don’t put on a strip show early in the morning when I’m not fully awake yet.”

Steve just laughed at him as he kept on walking.

 


	11. 15 Days till Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets angsty about Christmas gifts

Steve was gone again in the morning when he dragged himself out of bed to make himself some breakfast. He scanned over their calendar hanging on the kitchen wall while he waited on his cup of coffee to finish.

“Fuck,” Bucky mumbled quietly to himself. Steve diligently marked off the calendar so he knew for sure it was correct. December 10th that meant only fifteen more days till Christmas. Bucky always got stressed out by Christmas. The idea of buying someone else a special gift that was supposed to be sentimental was a huge struggle for him. Nothing he bought ever felt like the right thing. Especially not when it came to Steve. He could not count how many Christmases and Birthdays he felt he had completely fucked up because he had bought Steve clothes and other meaningless gifts.  

A few times he had been so sure he had gotten the right gift. Everything from a beautiful water color pencil set when Steve had been going through this phase. That year Steve had gotten him a first addition copy of his favorite book A Farewell to Arms. Steve had insisted that it didn't cost him his whole life savings because someone had owed him a favor. 

Another year Bucky had bought Steve a brand new Harley and Steve had designed and helped create Bucky a personalized Ruger .22 rifle with an engraving that read, Sergeant James Bucky Barnes 107th. It had a polished wood body that gave it a much more domestic look than the one he used in the field.  _  
_

Bucky didn’t think his gifts were bad he just always thought Steve’s were chosen with so much more thought and love. He wanted to give a gift that said I want to cherish you till the ends of the Earth and the only thing he knew Steve wanted was his Motorcycle out of Storage in Brooklyn and DVD copies of Breaking Bad. Not exactly romantic gestures.

Bucky text Sam.

Bucky: Hey man can you come and get me? I need your inspiration.

After that he went upstairs to pull on more clothes including his hoodie and thin gloves that he planned on wearing even when he was inside so people wouldn’t stare at him.

He checked his phone and Sam had text back.                                                                             

Sam: Sure man I’m free till 2. I’ll be there in 20.

Bucky smiled a little too himself. He really could not fathom what they would have done without him. He was the most selfless person besides Steve that Bucky had ever met. He was their best friend and number one confidant and he knew that Sam knew Steve better than anyone besides himself. Sam would be able to help Bucky pick the perfect gift.

Bucky pulled his hair back into a tiny looped bun and glanced over himself in the mirror. He was scruffy from at least two days without shaving and his hoodie was baggy on even his 5’11” 185 pounds of muscles. He liked it that way. It made someone like him, who should stand out like a sore thumb in the kind of clothes Steve liked to wear, blend in to near invisibility.

When Bucky went back down stairs and plopped himself down on the couch Steve still wasn’t back yet. He shot him a text as he flopped out on the couch and waited for Sam.

Hey Sam is taking me out to explore around some more. So if you get back and I’m gone I’m with him.

After of second of staring at his text he added

Also we seriously need to get your bike out of the storage unit/get a car because we can’t continue to walk everywhere.

After about two minutes more of lounging Steve replied.

Ok baby have fun. I’ll see you when you get home. <3 <3

Bucky chuckled to himself about Steve’s use of heart emoji. He loved sappy things like that, including calling Bucky baby. It seemed a little strange though that Steve wasn’t going to at least try and be back home before he left.  

Then Sam pulled up the drive and honked to lure Bucky outside.

Bucky grabbed his heavier leather jacket when he walked out the door and slide into Sam’s gun metal Charger.

“What’s up man?” Sam asked smiling broadly at Bucky before leaning over and pulling him into a half hug.

“Well first off I fucking love this car. God I am so over walking everywhere.” Bucky grumbled.

“Dude it’s like a 45 minute walk to the Publix please tell me Steve isn't making you guys walk to get groceries.” Sam said trying to hold back a chuckle.

“Oh my God Sam! You have no idea. The first time I went to the grocery by myself I walked down to where the bus stop is so I only had to walk for like 20 minutes to the house. But no. Steve got out the fucking backpacks and told me it was good for us to not get out of practice and made us friggen walk.”

Sam let out peel of laughter and nearly whacked his head on the steering wheel. “Oh God he would do shit like that. Man that is priceless.”

“I’m glad you think so,” Bucky mumbled grumpily propping his knees up on the dashboard.

As Sam pulled down the drive way and onto the quite streets he asked, “So what exactly is it that you need from me and my vehicle?”

Bucky slumped into his seat. “What the hell do I get Steve for Christmas?”

“I don’t know man. I was just gonna get you guys like gift cards and shit to guilt Steve into forcing you to both leave the house and go and do people stuff.”

Bucky punched Sam in the arm. “Hey don’t go punching me I’m driving.”

“I am serious Sam ok. Just…I don’t know. I feel like I owe it to him to make it special,” Bucky mumbled gazing out the window away from Sam.

“Owe?” Sam asked quizzically.

“You know what I mean. He just always knows what to get me and what to do and say. I just I should be doing more to… I guess pay him back for it all.” Bucky said, he voice gradually getting softer as he spoke.

Sam patted his shoulder gently, “Look Bucky I’ll take you wherever you wanna go but if I know Steve I know that just having you with him on Christmas will be enough ok. You don’t have to pay him back for being there for you. He loves you.” Sam looked over at Bucky and his crumpled expression. “Dude I know how you are and I know you hide it from him. Just cause you think he shouldn’t have stuck with you doesn’t mean he doesn’t.”

Bucky rested his face on his knees and wrapped his arms around his legs like a little kid. “Stop reading my mind Sam.”

“That is what I thought. Now think of something your _Husband_ wants or needs and we will go buy it.” Sam emphasized husband because even on Bucky’s worst days his smile always perked up when he heard that word. Today wasn’t any different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG! I AM SO SORRY! I have taken forever to update and this one is not very long or especially exciting, but I was bed ridden sick for a while and then family stuff happened and my bff is getting married this month so yeah... Lots of stuff going on in my life so please please forgive me cause I am slow. This is the very first time I have taken on something this long. PRAY that I can update again this month.


	12. Attempted Christmas Shopping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Sam try shopping for Steve. The shopping part doesn't go so well.

Sam drove Bucky to the strip mall that had the pet store because he knew if Bucky got too stressed they could go in and play with a puppy or other small animal for a couple minutes. Animals were always some of the best assists Sam had ever used to help any of the veterans he had worked with. Animals just are not demanding in the same way that humans are.

The first store they went into was a small ritzy independent craft store. Sam tried suggesting to Bucky that he could just get Steve a gift card like a normal lost husbands. Bucky had just leveled him with a glare.

“Well then don’t rely on me for any more suggestions then. You’re the married one here.” Sam replied holding his hands up in mock defense.

After that they went into a clothing store in which Bucky basically walked around the store and then straight out without actually looking at anything because honestly he was not picking out clothes for Steve.

When they crossed the courtyard of the shopping center Bucky noticed a small group of people had congregated around a car. It was a compact sports car from the look of it, but with about a half a dozen people gathered around it, it was mostly obscured.

“What do you think they are doing?” Bucky wondered aloud stopping in his tracks on the side walk.

“I’m not sure,” Sam replied, “but it looks like there is some kind of trouble going down.”

Bucky didn’t really wait for Sam to say anything else before making a beeline over to the gathered crowd. Sam quickly trailed behind him.

As they got up closer and got a better look at the group of people Bucky was already slightly on edge because he knew they clearly needed some kind of help. Of the six people gathered around there was an elderly couple, a teenage girl, two fairly young female employees of the Children’s clothing store the car was parked in front of, and a median aged man that was unsuccessfully trying to calm an extremely distressed woman right around Sam and Bucky’s age who was crouched down by the vehicle.

Sam drew the group’s attention to them by approaching the elderly couple who was standing back the furthest from the scene and enquired about whether or not someone needed some sort of help. “We don’t mean to both you guys, but is everything ok? Do you need help?”

All eyes, even the distressed woman’s, though if only for a moment swiveled to look at them.

The gentlemen attempting to sooth the woman was the first to speak up, “I think we have gathered enough of a crowd gentlemen, but thank you.”

“Sorry we’re not trying to cause a fuss,” Sam assured, “We just didn’t want to walk away when it looked like you all needed some help.”

“It’s ok,” one of the young shop workers reassured him, “we just don’t really know how to get this little boy to come out from under the car.”

“Ma’ma,” Bucky softly pipped up addressing the woman kneeling by the car. “We really aren’t trying to bother you, but is he ok?”

The woman struggled to smile at him before muttering, “Yeah, um, he is ok. He just got scared. It happens sometimes.”

“Do you think I could talk to him. I know he doesn’t know me or anything, but I think I might be able to help.” Bucky said giving her a weak smile in return.

“Yeah sure, ok.” She said backing up a little from the car. “At this point any help would be great actually. I’m his mom by the way, Nikki.”

“I’ll do my best Nikki, I promise.” Bucky came around the side of the car and took off his jacket before folding it up into a pillow to lay down beside of the car so he could see the little boy underneath. From there he could see the boy curled into himself clutching his knees with his head buried. He looked around eight years old, but it was really difficult to tell like this.

“Hi,” Bucky said, speaking gently to the child, “My name is James but my friends call me Bucky. Do you have a name?” The little boy didn’t respond at all. Bucky rolled over a little to face his mom and she whispered back to him, “His name’s Gavin.”

“So Gavin,” Bucky continued, “I just want you to know you are safe. We all just want you to be safe, and your mom is right here ok.” Gavin nodded feebly. “It’s ok to be scared sometimes. I get really scared all the time too.”

At that the little boy peeked out to make eye contact with Bucky. “Do you want to know what makes me less scared?” Again Gavin nodded meekly.

“I have a guardian angel,” Bucky whispered conspiratorially. At that Gavin scrunched up his brow, clearly not believing him.

“It’s true! You see he saved my life when I was the most scared I’ve ever been,” Bucky insisted smiling his best winning smile at Gavin. “You see I was a soldier Gavin and sometimes we get really scared too. One time I got hurt really badly and,” Bucky was cut off by Gavin finally speaking up, “Are you ok?”

Bucky hesitated for a second before sighing softly, “Yeah I’m pretty ok now. That’s what I wanted to tell you about though. You see when all the bad stuff happened my guardian angel he carried me to safety and stayed with me till I wasn’t scared anymore.”

Bucky thought back to that moment when he really had thought Steve was an angel as he had carried him through the desert back to safety as he bled out across the sand blinded by the sun. Steve had looked like an angel framed by the sun’s halo as Bucky had struggled to breath from the pain and was so sure then that he was going to die.

“Really?” Gavin asked uncurling from himself, if only by a little bit. Bucky nodded. “What is your guardian angel like?” Gavin whispered.

“Well mine, his name is Steve by the way, he is tall and strong and kind,” Bucky said reaching out his hand just a little under the car.

“Are all angel’s the same?” Gavin replied his voice just a little bit stronger this time.

“Well, no, not exactly… see angel’s come in lots of packages. The come to us sometimes as people we already know. What angels do have in common is that they love us and want to keep us safe.” Bucky reassured him as Gavin reached out and touched the tips of his fingers.

“Are you my angel?” asked Gavin excitedly.

“No I’m probably not,” Bucky replied and Gavin’s face fell. “That doesn’t mean though your angel isn’t here watching out for you right now and you just don’t know it.”

“Are you sure?” Gavin demanded.

“Well all I can tell you for sure Gavin is that I know my Steve is very real and that I am sure your mommy wants you to be safe.” Bucky smiled.

Gavin finally grabbed hold of Bucky’s hand and nodded his head, “OK.”

Bucky helped drag Gavin back out from under the car and his mother quickly embraced him. There small little crowd clapped for him.

“Thank you! Thank you so much! That was too kind of you.” Nikki gushed as she held onto her son.

“It really was not a problem,” Bucky insisted as he brushed himself and his jacket off before slipping it back on.

The all began to disperse except the young girl whom the car apparently belonged to and the older gentleman that had stood by Nikki throughout their ordeal. “You had better never do that again in public do you hear me!” The man demanded angrily.

“Woah sir,” Sam interjected stepping to Bucky’s side.

“Chill out, he was just a little scared ok. Who are you anyway?” Bucky questioned glaring.

“Brain calm down,” Nikki placated before turning toward Bucky and Sam again. “My boyfriend just isn’t used to Gavin’s outbursts.” She smiled weakly back at them.

“OK, well just watch out for him ma'am.” Bucky insisted, “And Gavin, don’t forget it is ok to be afraid, but you don’t have to be as long as people are watching out for you ok.”

Gavin smiled brightly at him, “I promise to try and not run away when I am scared… It’s just hard sometimes.”

“I know,” Bucky smiled sadly. Bucky hesitated before turning and walking away. Then he stopped himself and turned around kneeled down and hugged Gavin. Gavin hugged him back tightly. Then he and Sam walked away from the little family.

“You wanna go home?” Sam asked nudging Bucky in the ribs.

“You read my mind.” Bucky groaned.

After they got back into the car Sam just sat there for a minute before pulling away. “Are you ok man. I know that had to be hard for you.”

Bucky leaned his head against the dashboard as he started to shake gently. “Fuck,” he muttered under his breath. He reached up and ran his hands through his hair pulling at it as he went.

“Hey hey, Bucky, listen to me ok,” Sam urged as he ran his hand down Bucky’s back to try and calm him.

“I’m no better than a scared little boy Sam. I still try and hide like that all the time. Just curl into myself and pray the world will just float away,” Bucky choked out as he let a few tears slip out.

“Look at me man,” Bucky turned his face pressed to the dash to look at Sam, “Steve might have literally saved you, but you fought for yourself ok. We are all just here to watch over you and help you get through. You gotta believe what you told that kid, ok. It’s ok to be afraid.”

Bucky wiped his face on his sleeve and let out a deep sigh. “Maybe Steve will just get an IOU for Christmas. I owe you a better life.”

“Stop,” Sam chastised gently squeezing his shoulder, “You aren’t a burden to him, or to anyone else. It will take time to figure it all out, but you can and you will. Let me ask you something.”

“What,” Bucky croaked.

“Would Steve think any less of you if you just planned something really nice for the two of you, alone, it could even be completely devoid of people if you want, instead of buying him something.”

“No,” Bucky replied.

“Alright then, everything will be ok. Stop beating yourself up like everything that doesn’t go perfect is the end,” Sam soothed.

“Will you still help me plan something?” Bucky asked sitting back in his chair finally.

“Of course man,” Sam chuckled, “What are friends for.”

“Thanks,” Bucky whispered pulling his hair back.

The drove the rest of the way back to Bucky and Steve’s house mostly in silence until a song came on the radio that Bucky turned up to drown out the silence.

****  
  


Howling ghosts –

they reappear

In mountains that are stacked with fear

But you're a king and I'm a lionheart.

**  
A lionheart.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY! For any one that has ever given even 2 fucks about this I apologize so much. My life has been so busy and this semester at school just didn't allow for me to have basically any time for stuff like this. I have had this almost done for a while and I have another chapter already started. I hope to post 3 more chapters this month so they are all Christmas/New Years themed. I guess the good thing is that now my season are aligned. 
> 
> If you don't know the song here is a link
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N30sBDpUR1Q


	13. Christmas Movie Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky go out and try and be friendly with the neighbors some more and become part of their community by watching Christmas movies.

Bucky awoke slowly with sunlight streaming in through their bedroom window through a crack in the curtains. Steve’s lips were pressed to his forehead with his arm pillowing Bucky’s head. When Bucky opened his eyes fully and smiled Steve returned it with a sleepy grin. Bucky titled his head back more to meet Steve’s slightly dry lips for a good morning kiss that Steve softly chuckled into.

 When Steve kissed him he felt like a whole person. He felt more like a man in the arms of the man he loved than at any other time. He didn’t want to move. He just wanted to be held in the dark early hours of their bedroom and breath in the sleepy musk of their bed.

“Hey,” Steve whispered pressing his lips into the top of Bucky’s hair. “Let me up baby.”

“No,” Bucky mumbled burying himself under the covers wrapping his arms tighter around Steve’s waist.

Steve ran his fingers softly through Bucky’s tangled long hair.

“You know it is good to keep a schedule. It helps you sleep better at night, and getting some fresh air will make you happy too.” Steve whispered with his arms still wrapped around his husband.

“Nothing will make me as happy as staying right here.” Bucky mumbled, his lips brushing against Steve’s pecs. He tried gently kissing across his chest in an attempt to dissuade him from getting up.

“What about if I cooked a big breakfast? Hmmm would that persuade you?”

Steve might have been talking about getting out of bed, but his hand was still cupping the back of Bucky’s head keeping his lips on his skin.

Bucky continued to kiss a trail down Steve’s torso until he reached his belly button. Steve slide his hand around to Bucky’s chin and lifted his face up to look at him. The gentle look in Steve’s eyes made Bucky sigh before placing his cheek against Steve’s stomach and attempting to bury himself between their sheets and Steve’s body.

Steve petted him gently before rolling away untangling himself from his grumpy husband. He grabbed a pair of boxers and plain white tank out of his drawer pulling them on before heading out of their bedroom.“I’m going to the kitchen,” He called behind him, “come join me when you’re ready.”

Bucky rolled around until his was cocooned in their blankets trying to trap the last of their body heat. After he could start to smell the bacon cooking down stairs be groaned and pushed them away. He sat on the edge of the bed for a moment and stared at himself in the mirror hanging off their ensuite bathroom door. Fuck, he thought to himself as he scrubbed his flesh hand across his face. He looked at the clock and willed it to move faster or just stop altogether. They were so close to Christmas and he was so far from prepared to handle all that would entail.

Still he knew that at the end of the week it would be there, staring at him, and willing him to do something about his own uselessness. He needed to amaze Steve, he craved that ability to make his husband light up with joy like a kid on Christmas morning. Bucky took a deep breath and dragged himself out of the bed miserably. Avoiding his husband was not going to make this process easier.

He contemplated going downstairs naked in hopes of enticing Steve into that morning sex he had already turned down once. Instead he decided he would at least eat that bacon he could smell Steve cooking before attempting to work him out of the scraps of clothes he had thrown on.   

****

Unfortunately for Bucky sex was apparently not in the cards. Steve had talked into a run this morning cause he hadn’t been running with Steve in several weeks. Steve apparently didn’t care that it was freezing at this time in the morning. Bucky had wrapped up his left shoulder tightly and put a hand warmer under the bandage to keep his joint nice and warm. It both limited his mobility to swing the arm while he was running and helped prevent the joint fusion from getting chilled and causing both types of pain that would be associated with running in such weather. Steve was keeping the run shorter than he normally did for Bucky’s sack though.As they ran in mostly silence, the cool air burning his face as he ran, it did help relax him and keep his mind as clear and positive as it had been when he had first woken up.

As they rounded a street corner Bucky caught sight of a bright red hair pinned up in a tight bun of curls running up ahead of them in an  solid black thermalware pushing a jogging stroller.

“Hey I think I’ve met her,” Bucky said with a bit of hesitance.

“Yeah?” Steve asked unsure because he had seen running her before but never spoken to her.

“Yeah, her name is Natasha and her husband’s name is Clint. They are both vets too.” Bucky replied quieter as they gained on her.

As they got up closer to her Bucky started to slow down and put his arm out to slow Steve down too. As they came up beside her Steve smiled and waved and Bucky waved too. They both almost tripped though when she called out to them.

“Hey you’re Bucky and Steve right.” Natasha enquired, thought she clearly had no plans to slow down her pace.  

“Oh yes, uh, hi. We met before at Tony’s party.” Bucky replied stumbling over his words a little. He had not expected her to remember him, especially not well enough to remember Steve’s name, whom she had never met.

“Yeah listen it is my neighborly duty to invite you to the Christmas movie night downtown.” Natasha quipped.

“Oh thank  you,” Steve immediately piped up, “That is extremely kind of you.”

“It’s not that big of a deal. It is just how we work around here. We like to bring anyone into the fold of the group if they want to be. You’re free to turn it down. It’s just that Tony has actually called to complain he hasn’t seen the newbies out and about so he could harass you himself. Oh yeah it’s at the community center downtown and it starts at seven.” Natasha replied flatly.

“Yeah Bucky told me how kind everyone had been when he first moved in, Thanks again.” Steve said giving Natasha his most winning grin.

“It’s the least I can do. It’s what everyone else did for us.” Natasha replied.

“By the way, what’s their name?” Steve asked glancing down at the snoozing bright red and green tightly bundled baby.

Natasha looked down at her resting baby and a soft smile finally came across her face as she practically whispered back, “Her name is Alyssa.”

“She is beautiful,” Steve replied almost as gently.

“I know,” Natasha smirked, and with that she was clearly done with their conversation. Steve touched Bucky gently between his shoulder as he began to pick his speed back up and Bucky followed.

Suddenly Bucky spun around for a moment to face Natasha, “Hey, um, I don’t know if you talk to her too, but if you do could you tell Melissa I’m not avoiding her since I haven’t been out as much?” Natasha simply gave him a curt nod in reply before Steve dragged him along again. After a couple more minutes of running and clear of Natasha, Bucky turned to Steve.

“You’re gonna make me go to the movie thing aren’t you?” Bucky very nearly whined.

“Yep!” Steve exclaimed. “My turn to make friends with the neighbors.” Steve teased.

Bucky melodramatically groaned leaning on Steve’s shoulder. At that Steve only laughed at him and teased him more about being so domestic as being on first name basis with all their neighbors.

***

Steve insisted both he and Bucky dress to go out to see the movies. He was wearing a white turtle neck under a red cashmere sweater. It was an especially nice sweater that he’d gotten as a gift from Peggy last year. Bucky was still upstairs getting ready. He needed alone time before they went out around so many people. Steve’s phone vibrated in his pocket.

Skye: Hey Steve you’re still planning on coming by on Christmas Day right. 11 to 12?

Steve: Of course? Are you still sure that is ok?

Skye: Yes! I love being able to do this and besides it really isn’t inconvenient I’ve got the time.

Steve: Thank you Skye! See you soon. :)

Steve absolutely could not wait  to give Bucky his present.

Bucky was upstairs sprawled out on their bed trying to just relax as much as possible. Bucky was wearing a deep blue crew neck with snowflakes on it. He liked all of his tacky clothes thank you very much. He had spent too long with other people telling him how to dress. He also had on a pair black cotton gloves for his hands. He hoped tonight he wouldn’t get too claustrophobic, but he wasn’t going to take any chances. He had already taken his medicine and just running through deep breathing exercises. Bucky opened his eyes when he heard his phone buzzing on the nightstand.

458-19: Mr. Barnes this a confirmation text from NU Hotel for your reservations. You have reserved a NU Perspective single King suite from December 28- January 1st. Please respond YES to reconfirm your reservation.

Bucky sent them back a yes smiling to himself. He had taken Sam’s advice and just looked for something they could do together rather than something he could give Steve. With that he rolled off of the bed and made his downstairs. “Is the cab here?” He yelled down the stairs.

“Nope still waiting,” Steve said twisting around on the couch to see Bucky coming down the stairs.

“This is why we need a car ya punk,” Bucky complained flopping down next to Steve on the couch.

Steve stuck his tongue out at Bucky playfully which caused Bucky to burst into hysterical laughter, “Oh my God!” Bucky said gasping for air, “You are such a dork.”

“You bet I am,” Steve replied beaming. Just then the taxi pulled up and honked its horn at them.

“And there is our ride come on Buck,” Steve said pulling Bucky off the couch after him.

***

When Steve and Bucky got the the community center there were people set up to sell popcorn, hot chocolate, candy canes, other candy and soft drinks. The movie itself was a free event so they just wandered around for a minute taking in all of the commotion and the children. After only a couple of minutes a familiar red head came up to them.

“Hello Natasha,” Bucky greeted her first.

“Hello to the both of you too.” She said balancing her toddler on her hip while she cooed and smiled at them.

“Hello Alyssa,” Steve said smiling at the little girl and doing a tiny childish way back at her.

“Clint’s here too,” Natasha said turning about to scan the crowd till she made eye contact with her husband across the way buying popcorn. He smiled at her and when he noticed the guys he waved at them. “Anyway I’ll leave you alone. Just wanted to congratulate you on coming out of the house she,” she sarcastically remarked.

“Hey that’s not fair I’ve only lived a little over a month,” Steve replied.

“Yeah yeah, Merry Christmas by the way. I’m gonna go get some of that popcorn now.” Natasha replied.

She started to walk away when the both said Merry Christmas in imperfect unison.

Alyssa waved at them saying, “Gooodye, gooodye,” as Natasha waved at them too.

After that standing in line for hot chocolate Melissa came up to Bucky, “Hello Bucky, Natasha says you, quote aren’t avoiding me.”

“Hey Melissa it is nice to see you! How have you been? This is Steve!” Bucky exclaimed excitedly.

Melissa chuckled, “Yes I figured this was your Steve.”

“Hello ma’am” Steve extended his hand to her to shake.

“Melissa please, nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.” She replied.

“Sorry I got so excited,” Bucky apologized, “And sorry I haven’t been around.”

“Don’t worry about it. Just nice to see you. Take care of yourself. Also just a little warning. Tony is here so don’t let him get too excited about seeing you out and about. I know he has been dying to ask you about something.” Melissa gestured toward where Tony and Pepper were attempting to wrangle their boys who did not look too interested in sitting patiently.

“Looks like he has his hands full enough right now,” Bucky smirked watching Tony try and forcefully seat a child.

 

“Probably so,” She said, “Merry Christmas boys.”

“Merry Christmas Melissa,” Bucky replied smiling.

After a second Steve nudged Bucky in the ribs, “ So… your Steve huh?”

“Shut up,” Bucky grumpled crossing his arms. Steve just laughed at him under his breath.

 

Just as Bucky and Steve were being handed their hot chocolate a little girl's voice called, "BUCKY BUCKY!"

 

Bucky turned and looked and it was Lily running right at him. "Well hello Lily, you look awful beautiful in your dress." 

 

"Thank you!" She exclaimed blushing a little as she spun around in her sparkly green dress that did look beautiful with her light brown skin and shiny black braided bun. When she noticed Steve her jaw dropped open. "He is real." She said with amazement. 

 

Steve gave Bucky a look at that statement before getting down on Lily's level. "I am indeed real. You can pinch me to be sure," He said extending his arm to her. She didn't hesitate to pinch him. 

 

Just then Kurt and Mikayla came up to collect Lily, "Oh hi Bucky, nice to see you again. She just took off running when she saw you and we didn't know what she was so excited about." 

 

"This is STEVE!" Lily interrupted her mom to proclaim. 

 

Steve, Mikayla, and Kurt exchanged introductions as Lily gravitated back to Bucky. 

 

"You should come see me more." Lily whispered conspiratorially to Bucky, "You can bring Steve too if you want."

 

"I promise I will see you again soon," Bucky whispered back hugging Lily. "I suggest we go get seats though if you wanna see the movie, OK."

 

At that Lily grabbed her parents hands and started pulling them away, "Movie time movie time. We can have more Bucky time later. He promised come on."

 

"OK, we're going," Kurt said letting her pull him along. Mikayla just smiled at her daughter wishing them a Merry Christmas and following to.

 

"Wow, Buck I should leave you alone more often," Steve teased, "Leave you alone a couple weeks and you make friends with an entire neighborhood."

 

"It's just cause people like me better when your not here to steal all the shine," Bucky teased right back.

 

"Nuh uh," Steve said leaning in to place a kiss to the side of Bucky's head, "You've got enough shine to light up this whole town." Bucky just kissed him back.

 

When they finally got seated with their hot chocolate it was almost time to dim the lights and start the movies. A middle aged woman came to the front of the room in front of the giant screen they had assembled.

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen boys and girls and Happy Holidays. We are going to get started in just a minute. Feel free to keep getting refreshments for the next 10 to 15 minutes then after that we would appreciate it if you could all start to settle in. We are going to show three movies this evening. Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, and A Charlie Brown Christmas in that order. Have a wonderful evening.” Then they lady stepped down and just a couple minutes after that the opening credits for Rudolph started.

Steve and Bucky snuggled up close and Steve took Bucky’s hand in his as he sipped his hot chocolate. Normally Bucky was a night person, but tonight the calm and the happy feelings washing over him now in the dark watching Christmas movies with Steve after days of feeling so tense made him sleepy.

He made it through Rudolph and most of Frosty but by Charlie Brown he was completely out of of it with his head resting on Steve’s shoulder. Steve had to wake him up to take him home and Steve would have been lying if he told anyone that he didn’t think Bucky’s dazed sleepy face wasn’t the best part of the night as he grumbled about being woken like a little boy.

 ****  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The event I'm describing actually happened on the 19th and I started this chapter way before that. I am sorry I am slow. It being Christmas time and all it has been very hectic at my house. I will try REALLY hard to post the final chapter by or on Christmas, but there is a high chance it will be after Christmas I'm sorry. 
> 
> Thanks to @fannishliss for being super nice to me and answer some of my questions about the area.


	14. Christmas Morning

Steve had woken up before the sun came up and had been anxiously waiting for a time that was really appropriate to wake up Bucky without seeming like a overly excited child. Today though he was. He was insanely excited today to see Bucky’s reaction to his gift. Eight A.M. was acceptable time to wake someone up if you’ve been up since four o’clock right? Steve crawled back into bed shaking Bucky gently. Bucky just groaned and pulled up the blankets.

“Wakey wakey it’s Christmas morning!” Steve whispered into Bucky’s ear tickling him.

Bucky jerked awake at Steve’s tickling. “You dick stop tickling me!”  Bucky shrieked trying to roll away.

“Good morning sunshine. I’ve been waiting weeks for this day.” Steve said grabbing for Bucky before he rolled out of the bed.

“Fuck you Stevie, can’t a guy catch a break? It’s Christmas, I thought you loved me?” Bucky whines rolling around trying to avoid any further tickling.

“I do love you that is why you need to get up. Come on we are gonna have Sam over for breakfast and gonna skype breakfast with the guys and Peggy,” Steve tries to encourage getting up off the bed and pulling back the covers. “Come on and get up. Sam will be here at 9.”

Bucky got up, showered, fixed himself up and thanked his lucky stars today was not one of those days he had to cover up or would need his meds or hopefully anything else because he would only be around people he knew and trusted. Not that was any sort of guarantee but it usually really really helped.

“So Steve what are we having for this oh so important breakfast?” Bucky mused as he hopped down the stairs and around the corner into their kitchen.

“The works!” Steve proclaimed. “Pancakes, bacon, eggs, toast, fruit, and I can even make those pancakes chocolate chip if you ask nicely,” Steve said shaking the bag of chocolate on the counter.

“Mmmm how decadente. You spoil me Steve.” Bucky teased.

“Don’t pretend like you don’t love chocolate chip pancakes. You butt head.” Steve replied pouting.

Bucky started giggling softly before full on cackling and nearly falling out of his chair. “Oh my God Steve! Did you just call me a butt head?” Bucky could hardly contain his laughter long enough to actually listen to anything Steve said. Steve for his part mostly ignored him huffing about ungrateful butt head husbands.   

After Bucky had calmed down he asked, “So do you want to exchange gifts now or later?”

Steve turned around leaning against the counter top looking down at his feet, “Well… I was kind of hoping to give you your gift after breakfast.”

“Oh ok,” Bucky murmured softly suddenly feeling anxious.

“I mean, um, you can give me yours now if you want just I think we should wait till it’s just us. I guess… I mean it’s… it’s kinda special.” Steve gave Bucky a crooked grin titling his head to look at him.

Bucky was still anxious about what Steve could be giving him but his heart fluttered a little with that smile. “OK punk well you're making me anxious as hell so I wanna get mine over with.”

“OK,” Steve chuckled as Bucky darted back up stairs.

Bucky had meticulously picked out a christmas card to put the print out the hotel reservations info inside, and hidden it inside his sock drawer until it was time to give to Steve. “OK, asshole,” Bucky thought to himself. “You can do this. He already promised to love you forever he can’t leave you now cause you are a sappy fool.” With thought he went back down to the kitchen.

As soon as he was close enough he practically shoved it at him. Steve gently took it from him deliberately brushing their hands together. He peeled back the sealed envelope gently pulling out the card with a bright smile coming across his face as soon he saw the card. The front of the card had a black and white photograph of two puppies snuggled reading,  For my Husband, with Love. Your love means more to me every day and as time goes by…

Steve flipped the card open placing the neatly folded itinerary aside and continued reading, … I find more and more reasons to love you. That’s why at Christmas time I’m thinking about how wonderful it is to have you in my life. Merry Christmas with all my love.  Underneath that Bucky had signed his own name.

“Come here,” Steve whispered choking up slightly reaching out and pulling Bucky in for a sweet kiss. Bucky kissed him back gently their lips warm and delicate against each other just frozen in the moment. As Steve started to pepper him with more kisses on his lips then across his cheek

Bucky started to laugh at him.“You haven’t even looked at the actual present yet.” He chastised.

Steve gave him one more kiss before pulling away and picking the piece of folded paper back up, “I’m getting their ya jerk.”

As Steve read over the dates and info about the hotel Bucky started to ramble over Steve reading, “Sam helped me decide what to do. He said I should give you something we could do together and I thought being able to go back, ya know, home sorta, for the New Year that would nice since you have to start working again after the New Year and all. I thought we could pick up your bike too while we’re there, and ahhh… Oh and the room is muraled by local artists so other like other artists from Brooklyn. I thought you might like something like that cause…” Steve cut him off by pulling him into another kiss.

“It’s perfect,” Steve breathed against Bucky’s lips as wrapped his arms around him.

“Really?” Bucky asked pulling back to look Steve in the eyes.

“Yeah Buck, it’s wonderful. We’ll go to all of our old favorite places.” Steve beamed at him.

“Good,” Bucky let a bright smile take over his features. “But Steve I’m kinda dumb cause I didn’t buy any kind of ticket to get there cause I didn’t know what you would wanna do so we kinda need to decide tonight if we wanna take the train or fly if we are gonna get a ticket.”

Steve immediately started laughing at him before tipping his face back so their foreheads were touching. “Oh my God, Buck you are so cute.”

Bucky started pushing Steve away growling at him under his breath, “Get away from me you jerk.”

“I love you!” Steve sing songed.

“I love you too, now make me some pancakes.” Bucky quipped rolling his eyes and flopping down in a kitchen chair.

“I see how it is.” Steve said teasing but started right away pulling out all the ingredients.

****  
  


***

****  
  


When Sam arrived they set up his iPad on the table and started calling in everyone on skype.

Each one of the Commandos had made a special effort to be up with their families to share at least a couple of minutes between all of them on Christmas morning. Jim, Monty, & Gabe with their families, Dum Dum with his girlfriend, and finally Peggy. Jacques couldn’t be part of the video chat because of the time difference making their breakfast chat at the same time as his family's Christmas get together, which apparently that included his whole extended family.

“Merry Christmas everyone!” Steve declared being his enthusiastic self declared as they all locked in their calls.

“Merry Christmas!” Was resounded back at them from a chorus of voice gathered around a variety of tables with many different faces and sounds of laughter. The Commandos introduced their families and friends and Peggy introduced her roommate Angie and that left Steve and Bucky to introduce their favorite therapist to everyone. It wasn’t that they all had not heard stories of each other but it was different to put faces to names.

They all eat and some of the kids showed off Christmas presents and even though many of them were thousands of miles apart it still felt like a big family Christmas. Most everyone said their goodbyes before Steve, Bucky, and Sam had finished their stacks of pancakes, but it was enough to just see familiar faces and be able to laugh with friends on day that represented unconditional love.

After Sam left Bucky was practically vibrating with nerves and excitement to receive Steve’s gift. As soon as they shut the door behind him Bucky crowded Steve against the door.

“Presents!?” Bucky pleaded giving Steve his best puppy eyes.

Steve just gave him a fond smile before pulling him in for a gentle kiss, framing his face to pull him in closer. He pulled away and smiled, “Yeah OK. Now you can have your present.” Steve guided Bucky to sit down on their couch and smiled before pulling out his phone, and going to his photo gallery.

Bucky just started at him confused for a second. Surely the picture on his phone wasn’t a present? Steve clutched the phone tightly for a moment before letting out a nervous shaky sigh. “I really hope this ok?” Steve said before turning the phone around for Bucky to look.

On the screen was the adorable face of a black lab puppy. Bucky quirked his eyebrow in question, “You got me a picture of a puppy?”

Steve laughed while Bucky forged on, “I mean come on Rogers, why a picture? If you got me a dog isn’t that also like a shared present and why is it not actually here?”

Steve calmed down after a second and cleared his throat, “No Buck, it isn’t a picture of a dog. Her name is Sadie and the reason you can’t have her just yet is because she is in training.”

“Training for what?” Bucky asked

“She’s what they call a Hero Dog. She’s to help you Buck…” Steve trailed off for a moment still not sure how to address this issue all the time. “She is gonna help you feel safe again, but you have to help with training her first so she knows you.”

Bucky went silent staring down at the floor.

Steve gulped, “I’m sorry if I overstepped assuming you would want that I just know how much you don’t like feeling alone and…”

Bucky grabbed Steve and pulled him almost completely in his lap sniffling. “Thank you.” Bucky whispered trying to hold back the tears. “I thought she was adorable anyway. I’m sorry for teasing you.”

Steve just held onto him tighter. “It’s ok baby. I just want you to be happy.”

Bucky just kept clinging to Steve with the phone trapped between them, and Bucky face smushed against Steve’s neck. When he finally let go Steve gave a soft smile before asking, “Do you want to go meet her?” Bucky gave a vigorous nod back.

The drive up to Brookville took about half an hour of impatient foot tapping mostly silence to get to the Hero Dog headquarters. When Steve finally pulled up the drive Bucky was practically vibrating and jumped out of the car with Steve following him. They could hear dogs barking all around. When Bucky knocked on the door a young woman with long brown hair and a sunny smile answered the door trailed by a lanky little black pup. “Hi, I’m Skye,” She said by way of introduction, “You must be Bucky.”

Bucky gave her a lopsided smile, “That would be me.”

**  
** Skye smiled back waving at Steve also as he stood behind Bucky. Then she turned her attention to the ball of energy wagging it’s tail away at her feet. “This is Sadie,” Skye said as she reached down and pet the dog.

 

Bucky fell in love instantly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHH OMG I am the worst writer ever don't kill me. I suck. Maybe I will get better in the future. I'm sorry this got basically abandoned. I really am gonna try and do better.


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